Six months

And we're more in love than ever with this amazing little guy:

He is happy and cheerful, loves to laugh, desperately wants to crawl, holds his own bottle, and seems to think he did okay in the mama and daddy department.  He goes down for bed easily, sleeps 6-8 hours at a stretch more often than not, and hates to nap.  He adores the dog, who tolerates him.  He likes sweet potatoes, green beans, and peas.  He tips the scale at 20.5 pounds!

We are exhausted and on illness number 735, or so it seems.  (Love his day care, hate those germs!)  We're not sure how we're going to make it once Daddy starts teaching again in the spring (right now he's part-researcher, part-house husband, which is great!). 

There is much swirling about in my head, now that half a year is passed.  Trauma anniversaries tend to be PTSD triggers.  His delivery was certainly traumatic, and the six-month mark has triggered a lot of emotions.  As I lay awake the other night listening to Z cough, I kept flashing back to the operating room and frantically asking the anesthesiologist why he wasn't crying.  I finally had to wake B up to help talk me out of the panic attack.  I'm feeling better in the last few days.  But as we watched the wonderful "Parenthood" last night (if you're not watching it, why not?), and Adam and Kristina welcomed baby Nora, B said, "I want a birth like that."  Me too.

We go back to the wizard in about two weeks.  I am terrified.  I am terrified that we won't be able to get pregnant again (and we're in no position financially or emotionally to do IVF again).  I'm terrified that we will and that pregnancy will be awful.  I'm terrified that we'll have more miscarriages.  I'm terrified of another dreadful delivery.

Six months (Halloween) was my initial target date for breastfeeding.  In those long, painful first eight weeks, when Z refused to nurse, I never imagined we'd make it to this point.  But now he loves it. And nothing is as sweet as those bedtime nursing sessions.  And yet, it's time to start thinking about when to stop.  It seems I'll need to in order to pursue another pregnancy. And pumping at work takes so much time and energy.  Emotionally, though, I'm not sure either one of us is ready to give it up.  And I'm not ready to start buying formula!  I just don't know what the answer is.

Some days, it seems like we're all barely getting by until bedtime.  But those grins and slobbery kisses are so worth it.  He is awesome. 

10 weeks, 1 day: Taking the (final) plunge

Last night was momentous: the last injection of the cycle! After several weeks of little needles to grow follicles, the disastrous trigger shot, and eight weeks of progesterone shots (1 1/2 inch needles injecting medication suspended in thick oil), we are finished! At 10 weeks, the placenta is supporting itself and doesn't need any additional support. I am looking forward to recovering from the bruising, welts, and lumps.

I also took the plunge and bought some elastic waist Old Navy maternity pants. I haven't gained any weight. (In fact, this week, I may have lost some -- I haven't checked.) But I'm uncomfortable enough that the idea of real pants, especially jeans, makes me cringe. And I'm running out of knit skirts! This purchase makes things seem very real.

9 weeks, 6 days: Update

Everything looks fine, thank goodness! Baby is measuring on track, with a giant head (gets that from both mom and dad). We were able to see arms and legs and lots of wiggling around. I still feel pretty terrible, both headache and nausea/vomiting. But the doctor thinks the headache is primarily the result of anxiety, not the pregnancy. (You called it Niamh!) I am hopeful if the headache resolves, I will go back to my usual carsickness. I've got some painkillers that take the edge off for a while, but I can't take any real migraine meds. So mostly I have to wait this out and hope that the painkillers don't cause rebound headaches.

9 weeks, 6 days: Heading to the doctor

I was up most of the night with a migraine and vomiting. The migraine worries me, since it's a new and very different "symptom." The nurse called in some painkillers for me this morning, so I was finally able to get some rest. But we're heading in for an appointment this afternoon to check on the pregnancy. My migraines tend to be triggered by hormonal changes. Scared.

9 weeks, 4 days: Trying to take it one day at a time

The yuckiness has been significantly better since Friday. On the one hand, I'm relieved; on the other hand, I'm terrified. My midwife appointment next Wednesday seems so far away without the reassurance of the yucks. Of course, it doesn't help that I broke down and bought some new, ummmm, more supportive undergarments and a couple of pregnancy/baby books. Now I am convinced I have tempted the Fates too much.

8 weeks, 5 days: Graduation Day!

Everything looks great -- baby is strong and healthy, measuring a few days ahead (nothing wrong with being bigger than average at this stage) with a heartbeat of 181. A normal fetal heart rate ranges from 120 to 200, with higher better. So the kid is excelling already! We graduated from Dr. Reshef; and my next appointment, in two weeks, will be with the midwives at the University. I'm really excited to have this option. They deliver at the hospital as part of the regular OB-GYN service, so they offer a nutty and crunchy birth experience with all the medical back up one could need. Labor & Delivery is also connected to the Children's Hospital and NICU, so I feel very safe.

Last night was the worst yet for the nausea. I think this is the first time in my life I've actually liked mornings! I'm even glad to be teaching in the mornings; I might make it through classes this semester. I'm not prepped for tomorrow's classes yet, though, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a reprieve tonight.

Any suggestions for getting a sweet, overprotective husband and father-to-be to stop worrying?

Now we settle in for the wait. I'm sure I'll check in occasionally as the pregnancy progresses to update you. And I'm sure I'll have some ongoing thoughts on infertility, the pain of which, I can tell already, will never go away. But tonight, we're celebrating! (With ginger ale.) Today's picture is below, still looking more kidney bean than human. The bigger end is the head, and you can see the faint outlines of the umbilical cord.

8 weeks, 4 days: Carsick

Ah, the irony! I said to both Brent and my mom this weekend, "We spent two and a half years and how many thousands of dollars so I could feel this bad?" After a week of this, the next four or weeks seems like it will stretch out interminably. Mornings are okay, if marked by ravenous hunger. Afternoons are lousy, though, with a constant feeling of carsickness. Naps don't seem to help; I wake up still feeling yucky.

The good news is that if you'd asked me yesterday, I would have told you I had no doubts we were going to get good news at tomorrow's appointment. Now, with the appointment less than 24 hours away, I'm definitely feeling anxious again. But the yuckiness is reassuring enough that I'm not completely panicked!

7 weeks, 5 days: Afternoon sickness?

I am beginning to think this might be the real thing.

Exhibit A: afternoon fatigue, shakiness, general yuckiness several days in a row;
Exhibit B: ravenous hunger followed by feeling full after just a few bites;
Exhibit C: the garlic I put in tonight's dinner made me gag!

It's all pretty minor, for which I am thankful. But I am also thankful for some reassurance. We are trying our best not to be consumed by anxiety. It all feels rather schizophrenic. Sometimes everything is fine and we are talking baby names and cloth v. disposable diapers. And then the pendulum swings and we are convinced that this isn't going to happen for us. It's exhausting!

One more week to go!

6 weeks, 5 days: The most amazing sound

I spent most of the day wandering around in a terrified fog: palms sweaty, heart racing, butterflies in my tummy. But it was worth it. Before he even started taking measurements Dr. Reshef knew everything was fine and told me to start breathing again. I didn't believe him; the heart was beating so fast that I could barely see it (unlike last time, when 90ish beats per minute was easy to spot).

He measures gestational age from transfer, which puts me at 6 weeks, 2 days, rather than retrieval (6 weeks, 5 days). Since due dates are largely meaningless, it doesn't matter, as long as the bean looks healthy. And it does! It is measuring exactly 6 weeks, 2 days, with a heart beat of 131bpm (anything over 120 would have been good). So we are not even borderline! We were even able to hear the heartbeat -- the most amazing sound -- which is not always possible this early.

Dr. R was cautious (but optimistic): he put our ongoing chances of pregnancy loss at 15 percent for the next two weeks, when we have our next visit. But if everything looks good then, he will be confident to release us to ordinary prenatal care. Baby is expected to arrive in late April.

I feel a whole mix of emotions -- excitement, joy, fear, anticipation, anxiety. But I am hoping to enjoy the next two weeks as much as possible, preserving the worst of the anxiety for the day of the next ultrasound.

Symptom watch: still not much. I have the nose of a bloodhound, which is making life interesting. But I don't have any morning sickness to speak of, just some queasiness after eating, usually dinner. Maybe I'll get lucky?

Now for the moment you've all been waiting for: baby's first picture! The big fuzzy blob, marked by dotted lines, is the fetus. The smaller blob is the yolk sac.

6 weeks, 4 days: One more day

It's almost here, thank goodness, since I've managed to drive myself insane these last few days. I had a total meltdown this morning after a series of markedly lighter pregnancy tests. Why am I still taking them? Because it makes me feel like I have some measure of control. But, of course, I don't have any control. And the lighter tests -- which may mean doom or may mean nothing at all -- sent me into a tailspin. But tonight, after going to church and taking a luxurious nap, I'm feeling much better. And even if I hadn't taken the tests these last few days, I'm sure I would have found something else to panic about with the ultrasound 24 hours away. It will take a long time to recover from the rounds of failed treatment and the scary ultrasounds; even if everything is okay tomorrow, I will need to fight the feeling that I'm simply waiting for the other shoe to drop. Although I'm not feeling confident about tomorrow, at least I have some hope back. The appointment is in mid-afternoon.

4 weeks, 3 days: Fear

I told myself yesterday I would celebrate all day. That lasted about an hour, before I started obsessing about the fact that the beta hcg number is still low compared to so many of the women on the listserv I belong to, worrying about whether it will keep doubling appropriately, imagining a bad ultrasound on the 30th. I realized I have a little bit of PTSD regarding pregnancy ultrasounds. At our first one last cycle, I had this moment, when I could see the heartbeat, when I thought everything was going to be okay. Then it came crashing down when I saw that the fetus was measuring a bit too small, the doctor's face fell, and he told me the heartbeat was too slow. I am so afraid of that happening again, or not seeing a heartbeat at all.

This is probably our last cycle. If this pregnancy doesn't stick, by the time it's over, it will be too late to do another cycle before our insurance runs out (unless we cancel Thanksgiving plans). Plus, I'm not sure I could handle it emotionally. But the fear of another miscarriage is nearly outweighed by the fear of quitting. I just never imagined my life would turn out this way; I was sure I'd be a mom by now. Sometimes I still can't believe it's real.

But I am trying to remain as positive as I can. I talk to my belly whenever I can: "Hold on, baybeeeee! Grow, grow, grow!"

4 weeks, 2 days: Lucky Friday the 13th

It's good! My beta this morning was 159.27, doubling at 47 hours, which is practically perfect in every way. Obviously we have a long way to go, but we're breathing a sigh of relief and allowing the teensiest bit of celebration! We'll have an ultrasound on Aug. 30 to look for a heartbeat. Hopefully we'll get a good strong heartbeat and we can be more confident that this pregnancy will make it. But for now, we're excited to have a healthy bean!

And in other good baby news, we're expecting the arrival of our first bio-nephew today (as opposed to our many beloved, honorary nieces and nephews). So it's turning out to be a pretty great day!

Adequate

The level of hcg in my bloodstream was 78.4 today. It's awfully close to where we were last cycle (52 on day 13 and 112 on day 16 means we were approximately at 72 on day 14, today). So I'm still more terrified than excited. We go back on Friday to see how fast it's rising. Maybe we'll get more reassuring news then! I hope, I hope, I hope.

Thank you for all the sweet messages of support and enthusiasm over the last few days. Please keep those fingers crossed for good news on Friday!

Some POSITIVE news! ;-)

We have a little secret ... we have been getting positive pregnancy tests since last week! We are excited, but mostly terrified after the two previous miscarriages. We want so badly for this one to stick, but we are not sure we can believe that it will. We have our blood test tomorrow. It will confirm pregnancy but also give us some useful information. The test measures the amount of free hcg in my bloodstream. We are hoping for a result close to 100, which would indicate a healthy pregnancy. (You may recall that we were in the 50s last time, and even lower for the first pregnancy and miscarriage last year.) Then we'll have a follow up, probably Friday, to see how fast the hcg is rising. We'll be looking for a doubling time of close to 48 hours. Please keep your fingers crossed, think good thoughts, pray, whatever you've got ... we really hope this is it.

Tick tock, tick tock

The clock seems to be moving so slowly. Our pregnancy test next Wednesday seems so far away. Getting ready for school should keep me busy and distracted, but all I want to do is hide under the covers for the next eight days! Or go to the beach. Or something! It doesn't help that I'm not going to the gym this week, so I am a bundle of nerves with no outlet.

Brent called the lab yesterday. Of the four remaining embies, three were still progressing and one looked like it might be good enough to freeze today. We'll find out on Thursday. Even if none of them make it, I'm pleased that one was still looking good. That bodes well for the three we transferred, which were of higher quality to begin with.

PUPO: Pregnant until proven otherwise

We had a great transfer this morning! We transferred three, and they looked good. They grade embryos on a scale of 1-5, 1 being best. Last time the embryos had crapped out by now - we had two six-cells and one 7-cell, graded 2 and 3. But today we have a 9-cell grade 1 and an 8-cell and a 6-cell, both grade 2!!!! So they look much better. (And that 9-cell is just about perfect, at grade 1 and nearly double yesterday's size.)

Because they were progressing well, we had the option of waiting for two more days. But the doctor recommended going ahead. Even though the last cycle ended in miscarriage, the fact that I got pregnant suggests that day 3 embryos find me to be a hospitable home. It was also pretty aggressive to transfer three. Given the quality of the bigger two and my age, standard practice would be to transfer two. But he asked if the worst case scenario was not getting pregnant or getting pregnant with triplets. We agreed that not getting pregnant was much worse than triplets! (And I suspect he suspects that 6-cell isn't really going anywhere anyway.)

And we still have four left that might make it to freeze. In all likelihood, we'll end up with at most two frozen, but that's something.

I am feeling much better!

Cell division

As of this morning we still have seven embryos:
1 5-cell
3 4-cell
1 3-cell
2 2-cell

It's almost exactly identical to last time:
2 5-cells
2 4-cells
1 3-cell

The goal is 2-4 cells today, so they're all fine. But because it looks about the same as last cycle, they want to do the three-day transfer again. (It sounds like they probably wanted to see six or seven at the 4-cell stage in order to keep going to day 5.) So we go in first thing in the morning. We'll want to see the four biggest at 8 to 10 cells tomorrow. Last cycle, their growth slowed and our largest was 7 cells. If we're at 8 to 10 cells tomorrow, I'll feel a whole lot better about this cycle. I'll be curious to see how many they want to transfer tomorrow; I'll probably push for three or four.

I'm sad and disappointed. I really wanted to hear, "They look great! We'll transfer Monday." I'm afraid this will end the same way as the previous cycle.

100 percent!

All seven fertilized normally. We have embryos, and "they look good." We are very happy here, and thrilled we didn't ruin everything Monday night! We'll be back with another update tomorrow.

Lucky number 7

As predicted, Dr. R got seven eggs this morning. So far, there's no indication that our misadventures Monday night hurt anything. We'll hear tomorrow how many fertilized; we'll have a better sense then if they matured properly. But the nurse told us a sad story of a patient just last week who did her trigger shot wrong and ended up with no eggs. We were praised for calling the doctor to come up with a plan; that patient didn't. I've taken a long nap and am still groggy, with some abdominal discomfort. But things went really well.

So nervous