20 weeks, 3 days: I remember this part

The part where I have started to feel the baby move ... but not regularly enough to be reassuring.  It's inconsistent enough still to drive me batty.  Oh well, hopefully soon she'll be driving me crazy with the all-night dance parties.

Z's new words this weekend, both remarkably clear: happy and apple.  And he seems to have a special little friend in his class at daycare, Evie ("Ebbie").

Word of the week

He says "Kirby," the name of our dear old dog, pronounced "Aa-bee."  My mama heart melts.

He says "baby" as "bebe," in a lovely French accent.  I talk about the baby in Mama's belly, but he gets very confused and looks at his own belly button.
He's also added book ("booo"), boat ("bow"), bird ("burrrr") and sometimes says that a horse says, "Neigh."
He's been using Mama and Dada interchangeably, Mama when whiny and needy especially.  But maybe he's starting to figure it out?
He adores Elmo ("Elmee"), who appears in his bath books and on his diapers.  Elmo is very helpful in convincing him to brush his teeth and take his medicine.  Elmo wants him to!
He can show you his tongue and fingers and your teeth.

He's sitting and reading quietly to himself after breakfast this morning, and he just asked himself for "more."

Storybooks and Daddy's memories

In the last two weeks, Z has suddenly shown an interest in books with plots, not just reference manuals!  First was Go, Dog, Go!, which we read and read and read several times a day.  And this morning, when he woke earlier than either of his parents was really ready, he and I sat in his rocking chair and read The Very Hungry Caterpillar and Barnyard Dance (one of my favorites from my babysitting days).  He also wants to sit in our laps when we read -- so sweet!

After Daddy read my last post, he wanted to add two precious memories of Paris:  It was there that Z first started holding his head up on his own.  That meant he could look around, so he also started noticing the world around him.  He was transfixed by the windows at Notre Dame.

(Am I the only person who thinks that Caterpillar glorifies eating disorders?  My mother, who loves the counting in it, hates it when I say that.)

Today, Z "drove" a fire engine at the annual festival at OU's airport.  And when we were at our favorite playground in the afternoon, he ran up to me, unprompted, and gave me a giant hug.  He is happy and loving.  So far, so good.

Zack at 17 months: Updated with even more!

I have done a terrible job of documenting Zack's babyhood.  So I thought I'd record his milestones while I still remember them and record where he is now.

• After trying for months, he finally crawled in January at 8.5 months.  
• He walked independently in July, around 15 months.  Now he runs everywhere.  We're working on holding hands in public; he prefers to be independent.
• He says "cheese," "please," something that sounds like "yes, please," "hi," "uh oh," and "eyes."  "Ay, yi, yi" with a wagging pointer finger means, "I'm hungry.  Feed me now."
• He signs "more," "please," and "all done."
• He started being interested in books early this summer, especially "reference manuals" -- the Priddy and DK books of big colorful pictures and labels.  In the last week or so, he's started to be able to point out the right objects when asked: "Where's the goat?" "Where's the tractor?"
• He loves to look at pictures of vehicles, food, and animals.  Tractors are especially popular.  He says something unintelligible that means, "What is this?" when he points to the pictures.
• His favorite foods are cheese and bananas.  He's a great eater at breakfast and lunch.  Dinner is iffy (especially meat) -- he's tired and sometimes full from all his daytime eating.  
• Although he eats dairy in other forms, he refuses cow's milk.
• He makes a generic animal sound ("grrrrr") for the dog and other animals, but he also knows the dog says, "woof, woof"; sheep/lambs say, "ba ba"; and owls say, "who, who."  He growls when he hears dogs in the neighborhood, and even when he passes pictures of dogs while we're in the car!
• He loves airplanes and stops whatever he is doing when he hears them.  Trains go "choo, choo," which sounds more like "too, too."
• He knows that bunny rabbits go "hop, hop."
• He waves both hi and bye.
• He loves daycare (mostly because of second breakfast) but hates church nursery and babysitters.  
• He's survived his broken arm at birth and two surgeries.  Since his ear tube surgery in January, he's been an entirely different -- and healthier -- kid.
• After refusing to breastfeed for two months, once he finally started, he never showed any interest in weaning.  He switched to daytime formula after the ear tube surgery but continued to nurse morning and night until July.  We only stopped because I couldn't handle the breastfeeding and the pregnancy exhaustion/queasies at the same time.  He still gets rocked to sleep.  (I know, he's spoiled.)
• He naps for 3+ hours on Saturday, recovering from all the fun of daycare.  We often join him.
• He has been to Disneyland twice (in January and May), and went to the beach in August.  He had no fear of the ocean.
• I've lost count of his airplane trips.  This summer alone, he went to Boston, Orange County/Palm Springs, Seattle, and San Diego!
• He loves bathtime and would stay in the cold water for hours if we let him.  Every night, he reads about how Elmo and his friends get clean.
• Most nights, Daddy does bath, and Mama does night-night.  
• After months of calling him "Baby-No-Sleep," he suddenly started sleeping through the night.  I don't remember when!  Maybe it was related to the ear tube surgery?  We also did a little cry-it-out.  He's had a bit of a regression the last few weeks; I wonder if his molars are starting to come in.  But in general, he's a pretty good sleeper.  He goes down between 7 and 8, and gets up between 6 and 8. 
• He's super chatty with us.  And his teachers say he talks at school.  But he's often silent as a church mouse with other people.  Sometimes he won't even crack a smile.
• He loves to laugh, to make us laugh, and to laugh at/with us.
• He has a song in his heart -- we often catch him singing a little tune of unintelligible words.

And we're back...

With an unexpected surprise: I am 9 weeks, 5 days pregnant! 

We are overjoyed, and overwhelmed.  Z is nearly 16 months, a tornado of energy, immensely fun and frustrating all at the same time.  Although I don't know where we will summon the energy, it was important to us for Z to have a sibling.  As a friend said to me today, siblings are with you longer than anyone else, longer than parents, longer than spouses.  Z needs that person in his life.  And so we decided to start trying, figuring we'd try on our own, maybe with some drugs, before deciding whether to seek more help from the wizard or consider adoption.

And before I could even take the first dose of Clomid, a positive pregnancy test!  Having never seen one of those without medical help, we're still in a bit of shock.  I didn't even have any pregnancy tests at home, unlike those early days of trying when I was well stocked, sure that this month would be the month.  On a hunch, I sent B out to buy the cheapest ones he could find.  When that second line appeared, I was convinced that it was a false positive.  So I took the other two in the package.  And then I went out and bought a more expensive one.  Four tests later, I called the doctor to get a blood test.  The blood work came back great, better than any of the previous three pregnancies, including the one that brought us Z. 

Then we waited.  We were out of town, so the ultrasound was much delayed.  But on Saturday -- and again yesterday -- we saw a healthy, squirmy baby with hands and feet and a strong heartbeat.  Wow. 

I felt a bit sheepish at the OB yesterday.  She had clearly reviewed our file and knew Z was an IVF baby.  Her first question was whether this pregnancy was a surprise.  "No.  We were trying."  Then she asked how long.  "Ummm ... basically the first try."  And then I proceeded to stick my foot in my mouth by replying that we wanted that first trimester screening for Down Syndrome because "I'm too old not to."  Yeah, she's the same age and apparently single.  Ooops.  But we liked her and think it'll be a good relationship the next seven months.

One cool moment -- the nurse asked me why I wasn't seeing the midwife again.  I replied that I'd had a c-section with Z.  She said, "Are you sure you don't want to try a VBAC?"  Uh, no, given how scary Z's delivery was.  But I loved that she asked -- a major teaching hospital in a major city actually asking if I wanted to try a VBAC!  Good on them!

This pregnancy already feels so different.  I was anxious every minute of every day of the 38 weeks and 6 days with Z.  But I'm so much calmer this time around.  I wouldn't say I'm confident; I know all too well what can go wrong, and I continue to read devastating news on blogs every day.  But the anxiety is down to more normal levels, which is so nice.  I'm also much queasier, and it started much earlier.  And I'm already in maternity pants!  There will be no keeping this a secret for long!  I "came out" at work today, as we already have to start planning for the spring term.

Z is nearly running everywhere.  He is so close to talking, we can all taste it.  He has several useful signs ("More, please!!!! is common), so communicating is getting easier, although we can't always tell what he wants "more" of.  He loves books and climbing and being outside.  He loves to play ball.  He's a great eater and, usually, a sleeper.  He knows what the rules are ("stay here," "no touch"), and defies them with a maniacal laugh (that's the frustrating part!).  He plays peekaboo and loves to tease.  He regularly stops his frenetic play for a hug.  He basically thinks that every moment of every day is the greatest ever.   We must be doing something right.

Six months

And we're more in love than ever with this amazing little guy:

He is happy and cheerful, loves to laugh, desperately wants to crawl, holds his own bottle, and seems to think he did okay in the mama and daddy department.  He goes down for bed easily, sleeps 6-8 hours at a stretch more often than not, and hates to nap.  He adores the dog, who tolerates him.  He likes sweet potatoes, green beans, and peas.  He tips the scale at 20.5 pounds!

We are exhausted and on illness number 735, or so it seems.  (Love his day care, hate those germs!)  We're not sure how we're going to make it once Daddy starts teaching again in the spring (right now he's part-researcher, part-house husband, which is great!). 

There is much swirling about in my head, now that half a year is passed.  Trauma anniversaries tend to be PTSD triggers.  His delivery was certainly traumatic, and the six-month mark has triggered a lot of emotions.  As I lay awake the other night listening to Z cough, I kept flashing back to the operating room and frantically asking the anesthesiologist why he wasn't crying.  I finally had to wake B up to help talk me out of the panic attack.  I'm feeling better in the last few days.  But as we watched the wonderful "Parenthood" last night (if you're not watching it, why not?), and Adam and Kristina welcomed baby Nora, B said, "I want a birth like that."  Me too.

We go back to the wizard in about two weeks.  I am terrified.  I am terrified that we won't be able to get pregnant again (and we're in no position financially or emotionally to do IVF again).  I'm terrified that we will and that pregnancy will be awful.  I'm terrified that we'll have more miscarriages.  I'm terrified of another dreadful delivery.

Six months (Halloween) was my initial target date for breastfeeding.  In those long, painful first eight weeks, when Z refused to nurse, I never imagined we'd make it to this point.  But now he loves it. And nothing is as sweet as those bedtime nursing sessions.  And yet, it's time to start thinking about when to stop.  It seems I'll need to in order to pursue another pregnancy. And pumping at work takes so much time and energy.  Emotionally, though, I'm not sure either one of us is ready to give it up.  And I'm not ready to start buying formula!  I just don't know what the answer is.

Some days, it seems like we're all barely getting by until bedtime.  But those grins and slobbery kisses are so worth it.  He is awesome. 

Two more travel bits: transportation and sleeping arrangements

Because we took the car seat, we were able to take a cab to and from the airport, which was much easier than public transportation when we were running on fumes after our overnight flight.  While in Paris, we took the Batobus (touristy and slow, but beautiful views of the city!).  It was relatively easy with the stroller.  We had to go up/down one flight of stairs at each stop, but that was certainly easier than changing trains on the Metro.  We took the bus two days, which was hot but otherwise the best way to travel.  There's a designated stroller area in each bus - what an invention!

The apartment provided a pack-n-play but we ended up not using it.  They didn't provide linens for it, but we could have made do.  Zack just didn't seem interested - maybe because it's so low to the ground and the sides are so high?  So we ended up co-sleeping with him.  He sleeps better that way anyway, and we took turns, so everyone got some nights of uninterrupted sleep.  So we're going with a mini-crib with a proper mattress for future grandparent visits.  I'm hopeful it'll be big enough to get Zack to the point that he can sleep in a real bed (at least one with bumpers attached).  And it's small enough that my parents will be able to take it on road trips with them.

Travel avec bebe

We have just returned from an amazing week in Paris.  Zacky was a terrific traveler.  He even enjoyed some sightseeing - that's a photo of him and Daddy admiring the stained glass windows at Notre Dame.  We learned a lot about traveling with him, and I'm looking forward to our upcoming travel adventures.

Z's newfound nursing ability certainly made the airplane travel easier, since we didn't have to worry about keeping milk cold, warming it up, or cleaning pump parts.  Nursing in Paris was a little more of a challenge when he was hot and distracted.  In some ways, pumping might have been easier and saved some time. But we didn't encounter any discrimination or disapproval (maybe because we were doing touristy things and were obviously American?).  And we even got some help - a lovely cleaning lady at the Orsay found us a cool, quiet spot. In general, tourists and locals alike were charmed by Zack.

We got lucky in several instances: a flight attendant who moved us to a row with an empty seat on our outbound flight, a ticket agent who put Zack and me in a row by ourselves from DFW to OKC. 

We found some gear and arrangements extraordinarily useful:

• Our Graco Snugride carseat and Snugrider stroller frame: Z loves his car seat anyway, so he was always comfortable.  And we were able to easily take it apart to lug him up and down stairs.  The frame is light enough that Mom and I had no trouble with it while one of the guys had the baby and carseat.  We had thought about babywearing him exclusively, but I'm glad we didn't try.  He's ridiculously heavy, and he found the mei tei much too hot.  We just about did the wheels in; but at that price, I have no problem replacing the frame if necessary.
• The Brest Friend travel pillow and Bebe au Lait nursing cover: For a nursing newbie like me, it made a world of difference not to have to hold Zack in the right position.  The pillow inflates and deflates easily.   And I had no problem with the slipcover, unlike some of the reviewers.  Here we are at the Louvre: 

• Renting an apartment: We went through Paris Perfect, which is owned by an American, so the apartment came with comfy beds and proper pillows and showers.  With three sleeping areas, we didn't feel on top of each other, and we were all able to get some stretches of baby-free sleep.  We were able to eat at home and do laundry. 
• A foam bath cushion like this one: We have the Munchkin brand one from Target.  I use it at home as an insert in his plastic tub.  But it worked great in the sink for travel, since it smooshes easily in to a suitcase and weighs nothing. 
• A Diaper Dude backpack
• The Very Hungry Caterpillar: Z is so little that we didn't take a ton of toys or activities, but this is one of his favorites (thanks, Grammy!).  We attached it to the stroller bar at just the right height for him to see and kick, and he had lots of fun.  
• Lightweight swaddle blanket: perfect for swaddling on hot summer nights and for using as a sunscreen over the stroller
• The grandparents: delightful travel companions and invaluable baby helpers

Not so worth it: the best-laid plans

• Our itinerary: We tossed most of our plans our first day, when we decided that one activity a day was sufficient with the baby.  We could have done more touristing, but it would not have been worth it.  We were able to have leisurely mornings with croissants, do a little sightseeing, and have some rest time before dinner.  It was just a taste of Paris, rather than a complete tour, but it made for a relaxing vacation.
• Dinner reservations: I paid a concierge recommended by the apartment agency to make our dinner arrangements.  We only ended up using one reservation (it was the first night, and we were tired, so it still might have been worth it, but...).  We canceled several because our plans changed.  With a less-ambitious touring schedule, we just weren't in the neighborhoods I had planned.  But we had to cancel one reservation because we didn't think the restaurant was appropriate for the baby; and we were turned away from another that refused to accommodate a baby. This was frustrating because I had specifically asked the concierge to make reservations at appropriate restaurants.  Fortunately we were familiar with the neighborhood and eating early enough that we had no trouble finding dinner.  

Despite that wrinkle, the food was amazing.  We had four delicious dinners out, all at restaurants that were more than happy to accommodate the baby and his stroller: Au Bon Acceuil, Cafe Constant, Cafe de l'Alma, and La Fontaine de Mars.  We recommend all of them!  The staff at Au Bon Acceuil and La Fontaine de Mars were particularly kind to Zacky.

On the babywearing

We got a Bjorn and (thanks, Lee) a Mei Tai (on the cheap, from Etsy). So far, so good. B likes the Bjorn. I'm reconciled to it, as long as he's not in it for hours. I prefer the MT - better back support. We'll take both with us on our first trip. But I am hopeful we'll be able to use the Ergo by our late July-August trip.

My informal poll reveals that the infant inserts (Ergo, Beco, etc.) are useless regardless of the size of the baby.

If you're keeping track, we now own four carriers.

I wish I could explain it

Because if I could, I could make big money as a lactation consultant.  But I have no idea what happened.  I was supposed to spend last Friday and Saturday in all-day training sessions.  I was apprehensive about being gone that long, but I was determined to go.  Zack had other plans.  As I was getting ready to leave Friday morning, he was just inconsolable.  Nothing Brent was doing seemed to help.  With both boys at the end of their ropes (at 9 a.m.!), I decided to stay home.  And Z and I spent most of the next 48 hours cuddling.  He took the breast a couple of times, but mostly kept fighting it.  Then at some point on Monday, he just got it!  By Tuesday, he was nursing at every feed with me and even resisting the bottle (fortunately, he still takes a bottle from Daddy and day care). 

We still have a few kinks to work out.  His technique isn't great.  Toward the end, he tends to really chomp down.  Ouch!  And he's incredibly inefficient.  He snacks, then dozes, then snacks, then dozes....  It would be okay if I had nothing to do, but duty calls!  And if last night is any indication, he's not getting enough to sleep through the night.  So I am thinking we will continue to pump/bottle-feed at bedtime.  That means taking the pump with us on our summer vacations.  But I'll probably be happier that way anyway, since it will give me more freedom (Brent and I could go out to dinner, if Georgie and Papa Bill are willing to babysit!).  I just won't have to pump on the airplanes!

I've ordered new supplies -- a My Brest Friend travel pillow and a nursing cover (so the French aren't too horrified).  It's a whole new adventure here!

I've created a monster!

At some point in the last 48 hours, he figured out how to nurse. And now? He. Won't. Stop. More soon!

Updates

Thank you to all who posted replies or sent emails.  The encouragement and sympathy were just what I needed!  I am still pumping 3-5 times a day and feeling mostly better about it.  Z continues to nurse occasionally.  When he does, he's doing a great job getting milk.  But he's still very inconsistent.  We'll have one or two good sessions, then he'll scream bloody murder the next time I try. 

I talked to a lactation specialist a couple of days ago.  This was our fifth consult (after three in the hospital and one after we came home).  She basically said that since his problem isn't really technical (he latches just fine when he wants to) but simply being breast-averse, there's not much she can do.  Her advice was just to keep trying without pressure.  If he fights, stop and give a bottle and try again later. 

So that's where we are ... no magic answer for us.  It's possible if I had spent a week earlier one just lying around doing kangaroo care, he would have figured it out.  But I'm not that patient!  So we'll keep doing what we're doing.  I'm definitely not ready to stop pumping.  My next re-evaluation point is at 12 weeks; though my pattern seems to be that I'm totally ready to give up, but commit to give it a couple of weeks and when the re-evaluation point arrives, I'm fine to keep going. 

He is just a joy ... smiling and playing like crazy, turning in to a real little person right in front of us!

Tough choices

The boy is fat and gorgeous!  He's started to smile this week.  They're hard to come by, fleeting, and few and far between.  But they're full of joy.  He squints his eyes and grins from ear to ear.  Hopefully soon they'll be consistent enough that we can capture one on camera.

But, like the rest of this journey to parenthood, things have been harder than I expected.  After the intervention it took to get pregnant, I so much wanted a natural childbirth and delivery.  Drug-free was out the window by the time we got to triage on April 12.  And then the c-section (for which we are thankful) meant the rest of the "birth plan" was tossed.  Happily, I have been able to make a ton of milk (and the rolls of fat on the boy indicate it's good stuff).  But he's never latched.  Finally in the last week, he's latched and sucked a bit with the help of a nipple shield.  But it's not consistent, regular, or long enough for me to think that he'll ever be able to get enough nutrition that way.  He seems to use it more as a paci than anything else.  And so I keep pumping.  After a bout with plugged ducts and a mild infection, I'm pumping about six times a day, virtually every time he eats.  When I'm on my own with him, it means that each feed takes hours between feeding him, pumping, and washing the parts.  And it seems that each time I get a plugged duct clear, another crops up.

So I've been thinking about giving it up and switching to formula.  But those thoughts leave me on the verge of tears.  I'm not ready to give up the one thing my body has done well (other than grow a gorgeous baby, of course!).  And I'm not ready to deprive him of all these good nutrients.  But I'm not sure I can keep this up.  So I'm wondering if there's a way to reduce my supply without shutting it down entirely.  If I could pump 2-3 times a day, getting just enough for half his feeds and supplementing with formula, this seems a lot more sustainable.  I imagine I could try with a decongestant/antihistamine and maybe ice.  But I'm afraid that the milk will dry up completely.  Any brilliant wisdom out there?

In the meantime, we're experimenting with baby-wearing.  After reading this article, I had decided not to buy a Bjorn.  I've carried enough babies in Bjorns to buy that dangling from the pelvis is problematic.  But we've got a giant newborn.  The Ergo itself is super-comfy, but he's just way too big for the infant insert.  I tried him without the insert yesterday, but he doesn't have enough head control yet.  And I felt like his legs were spread way too far apart.  Because of his size, the Moby just isn't great in the newborn position either.  I spent some time with him in it last night in the regular hug hold position.  It was super-comfy.  But his legs aren't naturally spread out yet, so he's technically not supposed to be in that position either.  (Plus, Brent finds the Moby to be really hot.)

So I broke down and bought a Bjorn.  It's definitely the right size, though the back support is not nearly as good as the Ergo.  And it's definitely not the natural position for his legs.  So what to do?  Stick with the Bjorn because it seems to be the best of not great options?  Buy a ring sling off of Etsy and try that?  He's so heavy, I'm afraid that would kill my back too.

I'll take brilliant advice and wisdom on either of these issues.  In the meantime, I'm going to go back to snuggling and kissing the little guy.  And as Sprogblogger said, "It'll All Work Out."