6 weeks, 5 days: The most amazing sound

I spent most of the day wandering around in a terrified fog: palms sweaty, heart racing, butterflies in my tummy. But it was worth it. Before he even started taking measurements Dr. Reshef knew everything was fine and told me to start breathing again. I didn't believe him; the heart was beating so fast that I could barely see it (unlike last time, when 90ish beats per minute was easy to spot).

He measures gestational age from transfer, which puts me at 6 weeks, 2 days, rather than retrieval (6 weeks, 5 days). Since due dates are largely meaningless, it doesn't matter, as long as the bean looks healthy. And it does! It is measuring exactly 6 weeks, 2 days, with a heart beat of 131bpm (anything over 120 would have been good). So we are not even borderline! We were even able to hear the heartbeat -- the most amazing sound -- which is not always possible this early.

Dr. R was cautious (but optimistic): he put our ongoing chances of pregnancy loss at 15 percent for the next two weeks, when we have our next visit. But if everything looks good then, he will be confident to release us to ordinary prenatal care. Baby is expected to arrive in late April.

I feel a whole mix of emotions -- excitement, joy, fear, anticipation, anxiety. But I am hoping to enjoy the next two weeks as much as possible, preserving the worst of the anxiety for the day of the next ultrasound.

Symptom watch: still not much. I have the nose of a bloodhound, which is making life interesting. But I don't have any morning sickness to speak of, just some queasiness after eating, usually dinner. Maybe I'll get lucky?

Now for the moment you've all been waiting for: baby's first picture! The big fuzzy blob, marked by dotted lines, is the fetus. The smaller blob is the yolk sac.

6 weeks, 4 days: One more day

It's almost here, thank goodness, since I've managed to drive myself insane these last few days. I had a total meltdown this morning after a series of markedly lighter pregnancy tests. Why am I still taking them? Because it makes me feel like I have some measure of control. But, of course, I don't have any control. And the lighter tests -- which may mean doom or may mean nothing at all -- sent me into a tailspin. But tonight, after going to church and taking a luxurious nap, I'm feeling much better. And even if I hadn't taken the tests these last few days, I'm sure I would have found something else to panic about with the ultrasound 24 hours away. It will take a long time to recover from the rounds of failed treatment and the scary ultrasounds; even if everything is okay tomorrow, I will need to fight the feeling that I'm simply waiting for the other shoe to drop. Although I'm not feeling confident about tomorrow, at least I have some hope back. The appointment is in mid-afternoon.

4 weeks, 3 days: Fear

I told myself yesterday I would celebrate all day. That lasted about an hour, before I started obsessing about the fact that the beta hcg number is still low compared to so many of the women on the listserv I belong to, worrying about whether it will keep doubling appropriately, imagining a bad ultrasound on the 30th. I realized I have a little bit of PTSD regarding pregnancy ultrasounds. At our first one last cycle, I had this moment, when I could see the heartbeat, when I thought everything was going to be okay. Then it came crashing down when I saw that the fetus was measuring a bit too small, the doctor's face fell, and he told me the heartbeat was too slow. I am so afraid of that happening again, or not seeing a heartbeat at all.

This is probably our last cycle. If this pregnancy doesn't stick, by the time it's over, it will be too late to do another cycle before our insurance runs out (unless we cancel Thanksgiving plans). Plus, I'm not sure I could handle it emotionally. But the fear of another miscarriage is nearly outweighed by the fear of quitting. I just never imagined my life would turn out this way; I was sure I'd be a mom by now. Sometimes I still can't believe it's real.

But I am trying to remain as positive as I can. I talk to my belly whenever I can: "Hold on, baybeeeee! Grow, grow, grow!"

4 weeks, 2 days: Lucky Friday the 13th

It's good! My beta this morning was 159.27, doubling at 47 hours, which is practically perfect in every way. Obviously we have a long way to go, but we're breathing a sigh of relief and allowing the teensiest bit of celebration! We'll have an ultrasound on Aug. 30 to look for a heartbeat. Hopefully we'll get a good strong heartbeat and we can be more confident that this pregnancy will make it. But for now, we're excited to have a healthy bean!

And in other good baby news, we're expecting the arrival of our first bio-nephew today (as opposed to our many beloved, honorary nieces and nephews). So it's turning out to be a pretty great day!

Adequate

The level of hcg in my bloodstream was 78.4 today. It's awfully close to where we were last cycle (52 on day 13 and 112 on day 16 means we were approximately at 72 on day 14, today). So I'm still more terrified than excited. We go back on Friday to see how fast it's rising. Maybe we'll get more reassuring news then! I hope, I hope, I hope.

Thank you for all the sweet messages of support and enthusiasm over the last few days. Please keep those fingers crossed for good news on Friday!

Some POSITIVE news! ;-)

We have a little secret ... we have been getting positive pregnancy tests since last week! We are excited, but mostly terrified after the two previous miscarriages. We want so badly for this one to stick, but we are not sure we can believe that it will. We have our blood test tomorrow. It will confirm pregnancy but also give us some useful information. The test measures the amount of free hcg in my bloodstream. We are hoping for a result close to 100, which would indicate a healthy pregnancy. (You may recall that we were in the 50s last time, and even lower for the first pregnancy and miscarriage last year.) Then we'll have a follow up, probably Friday, to see how fast the hcg is rising. We'll be looking for a doubling time of close to 48 hours. Please keep your fingers crossed, think good thoughts, pray, whatever you've got ... we really hope this is it.

Tick tock, tick tock

The clock seems to be moving so slowly. Our pregnancy test next Wednesday seems so far away. Getting ready for school should keep me busy and distracted, but all I want to do is hide under the covers for the next eight days! Or go to the beach. Or something! It doesn't help that I'm not going to the gym this week, so I am a bundle of nerves with no outlet.

Brent called the lab yesterday. Of the four remaining embies, three were still progressing and one looked like it might be good enough to freeze today. We'll find out on Thursday. Even if none of them make it, I'm pleased that one was still looking good. That bodes well for the three we transferred, which were of higher quality to begin with.