20 weeks, 3 days: I remember this part

The part where I have started to feel the baby move ... but not regularly enough to be reassuring.  It's inconsistent enough still to drive me batty.  Oh well, hopefully soon she'll be driving me crazy with the all-night dance parties.

Z's new words this weekend, both remarkably clear: happy and apple.  And he seems to have a special little friend in his class at daycare, Evie ("Ebbie").

Naive

In less than a month our first IVF cycle will be over. More than once recently, I have caught myself harboring unrealistic expectations. I know that IVF doesn't always work the first, or second, or third time. And yet, I still believe that it will work for us this time: I'll be pregnant -- with twins! -- a month from now! Last Chance IVF's description of her first cycle sounded so familiar:

IVF #1: Oh how naive and stupid I was! I really thought all you had to do was IVF and you'd be pregnant. I resented doing IVF but I still embraced it. At ER we had 11 eggs. When my RE called to tell me that only 6 were mature I was disappointed; but 5 fertilized. When we went to transfer and we only had two that were even on-target we figured: oh well, none to freeze but what can you do? We've got two! We'll probably get twins.

But it didn't work for LC or for so many others in bloggyland and IRL. So I have to figure out how to stay calm and positive while not setting myself up for devastating disappointment.

If you're keeping track: last night was my last birth control pill. Hopefully my skin will clear up now! And it was my third night of Loopyron shots. No irrational rages yet, but I'm on pins and needles waiting for the next headache (even more than bcps, Lupr0n is associated with migraines). I've got an appointment with the GP on Friday to get an Rx for migraine meds. I haven't refilled in a very long time, because each month, I've been just about to get pregnant (see above re: naivete) and I can't take the meds while preggo. But I've got several weeks of the Loop to go before I'm housing any embryos. I'll take the meds; I'm keeping my fingers crossed I can make it until Friday.

On the dark side

I caught Barbara Ehrenreich on Jon Stewart the other night, talking about her new book, Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America. I haven't actually read the book, so what follows is based on the Jon Stewart interview and the press release from her publisher. The book stemmed from Ehrenreich's breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, a period in which people told her to stay positive, visualize the cancer shrinking, repeat affirmations about her strength and health. Her theory is that "the relentless push for patients to maintain a positive attitude is often psychologically devastating."

I couldn't agree more, especially with regard to infertility. The bane of every IF's existence is someone saying "just relax." First, it's impossible, what with the constant monitoring, timing sex, giving up wine for two weeks out of the month, waiting to test, waiting to test again after the first BFN each cycle, popping pills or injecting shots, early morning trips to the doctor for ultrasounds that could reveal good or devastating news. There's nothing relaxing about any of it. Second, it doesn't work. Relaxing is not going to get me pregnant. Yes, we've all heard the stories about women who adopt a baby, only to discover they're pregnant and end up with Irish twins or women who, after multiple rounds of IVF finally produce a baby, suddenly get pregnant on their own. But in truth, it happens quite rarely. (And I suspect that the latter -- post-IVF surprise pregnancies -- result from the IVF finally shocking our systems into submission, an actual biological change, not from relaxation).

But is the "just relax" mantra (along with saying positive affirmations about my womb being a warm and welcoming place and visualizing the swimmers and eggies doing what they're supposed to do) actually, as Ehrenreich posits, "psychologically devastating"? Yes. Infertililty is a dark and lonely place. Despite knowing so many other women going through this right now, I often feel very alone. All the happy pregnancy announcements and adorable baby photos on Facebook crowd out the knowledge that there are others just like me. And when we are told to "just relax" and be positive, it feels like a denial of our reality, which is, frankly, "dark and twisty." It's okay that we are desperate and depressed. We feel betrayed by our own bodies; the one thing we are supposed to be able to do, we can't. Meet us where we are.

I think the positive thinking approach is really for the benefit of the "friend," not the patient. By telling us to remain positive and think good thoughts, the "friend" gets to avoid the dark and twisty. That's only more isolating for the patient. We're made to feel like we're wrong for feeling like we do.

But if you want to say affirmations and visualize for us, that's okay! I don't know if prayer works, in the sense that G-d hears our prayers and then intervenes in our lives. But I do know that circles of prayer -- as well as circles of affirmation and positive visualization -- can make us feel loved and supported. So feel free to pray or affirm or visualize for us; we'll draw on that strength. But don't expect us to do the same, and be willing to listen and accept it when we can't.