4 weeks, 3 days: Fear

I told myself yesterday I would celebrate all day. That lasted about an hour, before I started obsessing about the fact that the beta hcg number is still low compared to so many of the women on the listserv I belong to, worrying about whether it will keep doubling appropriately, imagining a bad ultrasound on the 30th. I realized I have a little bit of PTSD regarding pregnancy ultrasounds. At our first one last cycle, I had this moment, when I could see the heartbeat, when I thought everything was going to be okay. Then it came crashing down when I saw that the fetus was measuring a bit too small, the doctor's face fell, and he told me the heartbeat was too slow. I am so afraid of that happening again, or not seeing a heartbeat at all.

This is probably our last cycle. If this pregnancy doesn't stick, by the time it's over, it will be too late to do another cycle before our insurance runs out (unless we cancel Thanksgiving plans). Plus, I'm not sure I could handle it emotionally. But the fear of another miscarriage is nearly outweighed by the fear of quitting. I just never imagined my life would turn out this way; I was sure I'd be a mom by now. Sometimes I still can't believe it's real.

But I am trying to remain as positive as I can. I talk to my belly whenever I can: "Hold on, baybeeeee! Grow, grow, grow!"