So hard

March 2008: Brent has not landed a tenure-track job, but the dean has extended my contract for another year. Since we know we're not moving for at least 15 months, we decide to start trying to conceive (TTC). I'm quite certain that I'm ovulating and this will happen quickly.

April 2008-September 2008: Not pregnant, despite temperature charting and ovulation predictor kits and our very best efforts. I begin to suspect that I'm not ovulating as well as I thought. I also begin to suspect that I have fibroids.

September 2008: With six months of charts, we head to the OB. Mostly she tells us it hasn't been long enough and tells us to come back in three months. (Lesson number 1: if you're over 30 and know there's a problem, lie to the doctor about how long you've been trying.) At least she sends us for a semen analysis, which reveals mixed news: we've got lots of swimmers but they're shaped kind of funky. Dr. Google is not much help in telling me what caused the morphology issue or how to fix it.

December 2008: Second semen analysis shows the same results. This time a visit to the OB nets us a referral to the big guns down at the Brigham and Women's Hospital. (Of course, I think the fact that B&W has the best OB/GYN program in the country means that it has an equally well-ranked infertility practice. Not. But I don't learn that until much later.)

January - February 2009: Lots of tests, again with mixed results. Cycle day 3 blood work reveals a slightly elevated FSH (follicular stimulating hormone) level. Apparently my eggs are older than their years. Other tests come back fine. An HSG (contrast x-ray of my insides) reveals open tubes and a normally shaped uterus (I can see it - looks just like a textbook). No fibroids? I ask the doc. Not that I can see, he says. Hm. An endometrial biopsy shows the lining of my uterus is in good shape. After one more natural cycle with a little bit of post-O support from progesterone, we are on our way. But Brent gets a job in Oklahoma. We're moving in July; we're running out of time!

March 2009: 100 mg of Clomid on days 5-9. Beginning on day 11, I start going to the Brigham at 6 a.m. every other day for ultrasounds. I have no follicles developing. After a week or so, I demand bloodwork to figure out what's going on. I start going in every day. I am butchered and develop track marks on both arms. Spring break trip is canceled. Finally (finally!) a couple of follies grow, and eventually, after nearly two weeks of these mornings, the bloodwork and ovulation prediction kit shows that we're good to go. Back-to-back interuterine inseminations (IUIs) follow.

April 22, 2009: OMG, a positive pregnancy test! Am I really that girl who gets lucky on the first try? Maybe! I spend 24 hours floating on air.

April 23, 2009: Blood test comes back positive, but barely. The nurse is not optimistic.

Two days later: Still pregnant! Blood test shows that HCG (pregnancy hormone levels) are doubling. This could still work!

Two days later: HCG levels dropping; miscarriage is certain.

April 27-May 4: A very long week waiting for the miscarriage. This is the hardest thing we've done so far, the waiting. Lots of morbid jokes about dead babies ensue. But we do make a trip to the roller coasters at Canobie Lake Park to try to move things along.

May 4, 2009: Painful, exhausting miscarriage, but at least it's over.

May-June 2009: Two cycles off to recover from the miscarriage and find a house in OK. Meet with the doctor and decide to pull out all the stops: injectible meds. One theory is that the egg was "overripe" when it was fertilized, so we want to get me to ovulate sooner.

July 2009: Gon@l-F 150 injected into my belly every day starting on CD3; I discover I have no problem sticking myself with needles. Ultrasound on CD10 reveals we're ready to go. Brent manages to get through the injection of HCG to trigger ovulation (an intramuscular injection in the patootie). We have back-to-back IUIs. I've got lots of eggwhite cervical mucous; I'm convinced this one's going to work. But Aunt Flo (AF) arrives before I even get a BFN (big fat negative on a home pregnancy test). We move to Oklahoma.

August 2009: On our fourth day in Oklahoma, we visit our new fertility docs at OU. This is an entirely different experience: the doctor (not some tech in the basement) does the u/s and explains to us what we're seeing. Guess what? I do have a fibroid. Told you so. But he doesn't think it's the problem. We receive a (not terribly helpful) diagnosis: unexplained infertility with mild male factor. Since I got pg on Clomid, he wants to try that again, but starting on CD3 instead of 5.

September 2009: U/S on CD12 reveals good follicular development; U/S on CD14 shows we're ready to rumble. OU doesn't wait for ovulation to happen naturally; it's time for another HCG shot. But OU doesn't require IM injections; it's just a little needle in my belly. I can handle that. My one objection is that OU does a single insemination, not back-to-back. But beggars can't be choosers. Progesterone keeps AF at bay for a normal (>10 day) luteal phase, but both home pregnancy tests and the blood test reveal BFNs. I start Clomid again on CD3.

October 2009: I realize on CD7 that something's wrong; I feel like I'm ovulating or about to. But stupidly, I don't call the doctor. I've never ovulated this early before (on my own, I'm usually at CD18 and on Clomid, between CD14 and 23). I ignore it. Sure enough, u/s and blood work on CD13 reveal I ovulated about CD10. This cycle is a bust. And it's the most upset I've been so far. Now we're waiting for AF to arrive and wondering if we'll be able to squeeze in another cycle before the holidays, even though I'm traveling virtually every weekend.