Thoughts on Enshittification
18 hours ago
Monday, October 19, 2009
Isn't it ironic?
I'm actually feeling better, saner, happier in the last 10 days since going public and admitting that I'm *not* doing so well with all of this. Thanks for reading!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
On the dark side
I caught Barbara Ehrenreich on Jon Stewart the other night, talking about her new book, Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America. I haven't actually read the book, so what follows is based on the Jon Stewart interview and the press release from her publisher. The book stemmed from Ehrenreich's breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, a period in which people told her to stay positive, visualize the cancer shrinking, repeat affirmations about her strength and health. Her theory is that "the relentless push for patients to maintain a positive attitude is often psychologically devastating."
I couldn't agree more, especially with regard to infertility. The bane of every IF's existence is someone saying "just relax." First, it's impossible, what with the constant monitoring, timing sex, giving up wine for two weeks out of the month, waiting to test, waiting to test again after the first BFN each cycle, popping pills or injecting shots, early morning trips to the doctor for ultrasounds that could reveal good or devastating news. There's nothing relaxing about any of it. Second, it doesn't work. Relaxing is not going to get me pregnant. Yes, we've all heard the stories about women who adopt a baby, only to discover they're pregnant and end up with Irish twins or women who, after multiple rounds of IVF finally produce a baby, suddenly get pregnant on their own. But in truth, it happens quite rarely. (And I suspect that the latter -- post-IVF surprise pregnancies -- result from the IVF finally shocking our systems into submission, an actual biological change, not from relaxation).
But is the "just relax" mantra (along with saying positive affirmations about my womb being a warm and welcoming place and visualizing the swimmers and eggies doing what they're supposed to do) actually, as Ehrenreich posits, "psychologically devastating"? Yes. Infertililty is a dark and lonely place. Despite knowing so many other women going through this right now, I often feel very alone. All the happy pregnancy announcements and adorable baby photos on Facebook crowd out the knowledge that there are others just like me. And when we are told to "just relax" and be positive, it feels like a denial of our reality, which is, frankly, "dark and twisty." It's okay that we are desperate and depressed. We feel betrayed by our own bodies; the one thing we are supposed to be able to do, we can't. Meet us where we are.
I think the positive thinking approach is really for the benefit of the "friend," not the patient. By telling us to remain positive and think good thoughts, the "friend" gets to avoid the dark and twisty. That's only more isolating for the patient. We're made to feel like we're wrong for feeling like we do.
But if you want to say affirmations and visualize for us, that's okay! I don't know if prayer works, in the sense that G-d hears our prayers and then intervenes in our lives. But I do know that circles of prayer -- as well as circles of affirmation and positive visualization -- can make us feel loved and supported. So feel free to pray or affirm or visualize for us; we'll draw on that strength. But don't expect us to do the same, and be willing to listen and accept it when we can't.
I couldn't agree more, especially with regard to infertility. The bane of every IF's existence is someone saying "just relax." First, it's impossible, what with the constant monitoring, timing sex, giving up wine for two weeks out of the month, waiting to test, waiting to test again after the first BFN each cycle, popping pills or injecting shots, early morning trips to the doctor for ultrasounds that could reveal good or devastating news. There's nothing relaxing about any of it. Second, it doesn't work. Relaxing is not going to get me pregnant. Yes, we've all heard the stories about women who adopt a baby, only to discover they're pregnant and end up with Irish twins or women who, after multiple rounds of IVF finally produce a baby, suddenly get pregnant on their own. But in truth, it happens quite rarely. (And I suspect that the latter -- post-IVF surprise pregnancies -- result from the IVF finally shocking our systems into submission, an actual biological change, not from relaxation).
But is the "just relax" mantra (along with saying positive affirmations about my womb being a warm and welcoming place and visualizing the swimmers and eggies doing what they're supposed to do) actually, as Ehrenreich posits, "psychologically devastating"? Yes. Infertililty is a dark and lonely place. Despite knowing so many other women going through this right now, I often feel very alone. All the happy pregnancy announcements and adorable baby photos on Facebook crowd out the knowledge that there are others just like me. And when we are told to "just relax" and be positive, it feels like a denial of our reality, which is, frankly, "dark and twisty." It's okay that we are desperate and depressed. We feel betrayed by our own bodies; the one thing we are supposed to be able to do, we can't. Meet us where we are.
I think the positive thinking approach is really for the benefit of the "friend," not the patient. By telling us to remain positive and think good thoughts, the "friend" gets to avoid the dark and twisty. That's only more isolating for the patient. We're made to feel like we're wrong for feeling like we do.
But if you want to say affirmations and visualize for us, that's okay! I don't know if prayer works, in the sense that G-d hears our prayers and then intervenes in our lives. But I do know that circles of prayer -- as well as circles of affirmation and positive visualization -- can make us feel loved and supported. So feel free to pray or affirm or visualize for us; we'll draw on that strength. But don't expect us to do the same, and be willing to listen and accept it when we can't.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
A tentative plan
It's amazing how helpful typing out the options is! Within hours of yesterday's post, we had a plan. We've got an appointment for a second opinion at the other clinic in town in two weeks. The biggest question we've got for both clinics is whether they would do the local bloodwork and ultrasound monitoring if we do a cycle at CCRM in Denver. That may well be the deciding factor, more than the stats of the respective clinics here. We're tentatively planning to do an initial IVF cycle here in town in February/March. If it doesn't work, we'll head to CCRM in May and cycle there over the summer, taking advantage of the flexibility that comes with our professorial schedules. In the meantime, we'll probably spend some time this winter thinking about our "Dear Birth Mother" letter to submit to adoption agencies. I can't imagine a more daunting task than writing a letter to convince a woman to let us raise her baby.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Choosing a clinic
Assuming our last round of IUI (whenever that happens) doesn't work, we'll need to choose an IVF clinic. We have four options:
*Our current clinic at the University. We really like the staff and find it to be a calming place that offers personalized attention. But it's a relatively new program.
*The other clinic in the city. It's a much bigger and older program, which means less personalized service but more experience.
*Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine. It's the number one clinic in the country, according to Parents Magazine. I have a friend who had great success there. It's the place that all the IF bloggers go when all else fails. But it's out of network, which means meeting my deductible and huge co-pays.
*Presbyterian Hospital in Dallas. It used to be the number seven clinic, though the personnel has changed. And it's out of network. So this one seems easy to eliminate.
In patients under 35, all four clinics have roughly equal success rates: 57-65 percent. But in the 35-37 age range, the numbers vary wildly: our clinic had a 38 percent success rate in 2007; the other clinic in the city 51 percent; and CCRM 58 percent.
Technically, we have time for two IVF cycles before I move from the under 35 group to the 35-37 group. But my FSH levels suggest my eggs are old, so I wonder if I should just assume I'm going to behave like the 35-37 age group, which probably means switching clinics.
*Our current clinic at the University. We really like the staff and find it to be a calming place that offers personalized attention. But it's a relatively new program.
*The other clinic in the city. It's a much bigger and older program, which means less personalized service but more experience.
*Colorado Center for Reproductive Medicine. It's the number one clinic in the country, according to Parents Magazine. I have a friend who had great success there. It's the place that all the IF bloggers go when all else fails. But it's out of network, which means meeting my deductible and huge co-pays.
*Presbyterian Hospital in Dallas. It used to be the number seven clinic, though the personnel has changed. And it's out of network. So this one seems easy to eliminate.
In patients under 35, all four clinics have roughly equal success rates: 57-65 percent. But in the 35-37 age range, the numbers vary wildly: our clinic had a 38 percent success rate in 2007; the other clinic in the city 51 percent; and CCRM 58 percent.
Technically, we have time for two IVF cycles before I move from the under 35 group to the 35-37 group. But my FSH levels suggest my eggs are old, so I wonder if I should just assume I'm going to behave like the 35-37 age group, which probably means switching clinics.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
What's in a name?
Infertile:
Barren:
Copyright © 2009
They mean the same thing; barren is, in fact, a synonym for infertile. But I prefer barren. Its old-fashioned sound takes the edge off the bleakness. Plus, good things happen to barren women in the Bible:
1Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children.... [But God said,] "16I will bless her, and moreover, I will give you a son by her. I will bless her, and she shall become nations; kings of peoples shall come from her."
Genesis 16:1, 17:16
5In the time of Herod king of Judea there was a priest named Zechariah, who belonged to the priestly division of Abijah; his wife Elizabeth was also a descendant of Aaron. 6Both of them were upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly. 7But they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren; and they were both well along in years....11Then an angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing at the right side of the altar of incense. 12When Zechariah saw him, he was startled and was gripped with fear. 13But the angel said to him: "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to give him the name John. 14He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, 15for ... he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from birth. 16Many of the people of Israel will he bring back to the Lord their God. 17And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord."
Luke 1:5-17
Not fertile; unproductive or barren.
Biology
Not capable of initiating, sustaining, or supporting reproduction.
Not fertilized and hence incapable of growing and developing: infertile duck eggs.
Not capable of sustaining crops or vegetation: infertile land.
Unproductive or producing little: a path of research that proved infertile.
Barren:
Not producing offspring.
Incapable of producing offspring.
Lacking vegetation, especially useful vegetation.
Unproductive of results or gains; unprofitable: barren efforts. See Synonyms at futile.
Devoid of something specified: writing barren of insight. See Synonyms at empty.
Lacking in liveliness or interest.
Copyright © 2009
They mean the same thing; barren is, in fact, a synonym for infertile. But I prefer barren. Its old-fashioned sound takes the edge off the bleakness. Plus, good things happen to barren women in the Bible:
1Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children.... [But God said,] "16I will bless her, and moreover, I will give you a son by her. I will bless her, and she shall become nations; kings of peoples shall come from her."
Genesis 16:1, 17:16
5In the time of Herod king of Judea there was a priest named Zechariah, who belonged to the priestly division of Abijah; his wife Elizabeth was also a descendant of Aaron. 6Both of them were upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly. 7But they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren; and they were both well along in years....11Then an angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing at the right side of the altar of incense. 12When Zechariah saw him, he was startled and was gripped with fear. 13But the angel said to him: "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to give him the name John. 14He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, 15for ... he will be filled with the Holy Spirit even from birth. 16Many of the people of Israel will he bring back to the Lord their God. 17And he will go on before the Lord, in the spirit and power of Elijah, to turn the hearts of the fathers to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord."
Luke 1:5-17
Thursday, October 8, 2009
What it's like
I've never been terribly self-reflective. I was a terrible journaler; psychotherapy, though incredibly valuable, was like pulling teeth. I don't often just sit down and think about how this feels. But I am contemplating a post about it. It sucks, not being able to do the one thing I've ever wanted to do. But there's more to it. And hopefully some day soon I'll write about it.
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