Baybee

Ultrasound today at 12w5d; all is well.  Except for the number of times the doctor said, "Given your age...." 

Circus tents and muumuus

It's really too bad elastic waistbands and blousy tops aren't (ever, really) in style.  These maternity clothes are soooo comfy.  The nausea has lessened considerably (I'm 11 weeks, 5 days), my skin is no longer completely broken out, and now I can just enjoy being roly-poly.

Wild Horses

I just found that galloping heartbeat on my home doppler for the first time! So exciting -- and a relief since it took a while. Still sick -- and so sick of being sick. I'm ready for this part to end. And I know Brent and Zack are ready to have me back. Soon, I hope!

And we're back...

With an unexpected surprise: I am 9 weeks, 5 days pregnant! 

We are overjoyed, and overwhelmed.  Z is nearly 16 months, a tornado of energy, immensely fun and frustrating all at the same time.  Although I don't know where we will summon the energy, it was important to us for Z to have a sibling.  As a friend said to me today, siblings are with you longer than anyone else, longer than parents, longer than spouses.  Z needs that person in his life.  And so we decided to start trying, figuring we'd try on our own, maybe with some drugs, before deciding whether to seek more help from the wizard or consider adoption.

And before I could even take the first dose of Clomid, a positive pregnancy test!  Having never seen one of those without medical help, we're still in a bit of shock.  I didn't even have any pregnancy tests at home, unlike those early days of trying when I was well stocked, sure that this month would be the month.  On a hunch, I sent B out to buy the cheapest ones he could find.  When that second line appeared, I was convinced that it was a false positive.  So I took the other two in the package.  And then I went out and bought a more expensive one.  Four tests later, I called the doctor to get a blood test.  The blood work came back great, better than any of the previous three pregnancies, including the one that brought us Z. 

Then we waited.  We were out of town, so the ultrasound was much delayed.  But on Saturday -- and again yesterday -- we saw a healthy, squirmy baby with hands and feet and a strong heartbeat.  Wow. 

I felt a bit sheepish at the OB yesterday.  She had clearly reviewed our file and knew Z was an IVF baby.  Her first question was whether this pregnancy was a surprise.  "No.  We were trying."  Then she asked how long.  "Ummm ... basically the first try."  And then I proceeded to stick my foot in my mouth by replying that we wanted that first trimester screening for Down Syndrome because "I'm too old not to."  Yeah, she's the same age and apparently single.  Ooops.  But we liked her and think it'll be a good relationship the next seven months.

One cool moment -- the nurse asked me why I wasn't seeing the midwife again.  I replied that I'd had a c-section with Z.  She said, "Are you sure you don't want to try a VBAC?"  Uh, no, given how scary Z's delivery was.  But I loved that she asked -- a major teaching hospital in a major city actually asking if I wanted to try a VBAC!  Good on them!

This pregnancy already feels so different.  I was anxious every minute of every day of the 38 weeks and 6 days with Z.  But I'm so much calmer this time around.  I wouldn't say I'm confident; I know all too well what can go wrong, and I continue to read devastating news on blogs every day.  But the anxiety is down to more normal levels, which is so nice.  I'm also much queasier, and it started much earlier.  And I'm already in maternity pants!  There will be no keeping this a secret for long!  I "came out" at work today, as we already have to start planning for the spring term.

Z is nearly running everywhere.  He is so close to talking, we can all taste it.  He has several useful signs ("More, please!!!! is common), so communicating is getting easier, although we can't always tell what he wants "more" of.  He loves books and climbing and being outside.  He loves to play ball.  He's a great eater and, usually, a sleeper.  He knows what the rules are ("stay here," "no touch"), and defies them with a maniacal laugh (that's the frustrating part!).  He plays peekaboo and loves to tease.  He regularly stops his frenetic play for a hug.  He basically thinks that every moment of every day is the greatest ever.   We must be doing something right.

Six months

And we're more in love than ever with this amazing little guy:

He is happy and cheerful, loves to laugh, desperately wants to crawl, holds his own bottle, and seems to think he did okay in the mama and daddy department.  He goes down for bed easily, sleeps 6-8 hours at a stretch more often than not, and hates to nap.  He adores the dog, who tolerates him.  He likes sweet potatoes, green beans, and peas.  He tips the scale at 20.5 pounds!

We are exhausted and on illness number 735, or so it seems.  (Love his day care, hate those germs!)  We're not sure how we're going to make it once Daddy starts teaching again in the spring (right now he's part-researcher, part-house husband, which is great!). 

There is much swirling about in my head, now that half a year is passed.  Trauma anniversaries tend to be PTSD triggers.  His delivery was certainly traumatic, and the six-month mark has triggered a lot of emotions.  As I lay awake the other night listening to Z cough, I kept flashing back to the operating room and frantically asking the anesthesiologist why he wasn't crying.  I finally had to wake B up to help talk me out of the panic attack.  I'm feeling better in the last few days.  But as we watched the wonderful "Parenthood" last night (if you're not watching it, why not?), and Adam and Kristina welcomed baby Nora, B said, "I want a birth like that."  Me too.

We go back to the wizard in about two weeks.  I am terrified.  I am terrified that we won't be able to get pregnant again (and we're in no position financially or emotionally to do IVF again).  I'm terrified that we will and that pregnancy will be awful.  I'm terrified that we'll have more miscarriages.  I'm terrified of another dreadful delivery.

Six months (Halloween) was my initial target date for breastfeeding.  In those long, painful first eight weeks, when Z refused to nurse, I never imagined we'd make it to this point.  But now he loves it. And nothing is as sweet as those bedtime nursing sessions.  And yet, it's time to start thinking about when to stop.  It seems I'll need to in order to pursue another pregnancy. And pumping at work takes so much time and energy.  Emotionally, though, I'm not sure either one of us is ready to give it up.  And I'm not ready to start buying formula!  I just don't know what the answer is.

Some days, it seems like we're all barely getting by until bedtime.  But those grins and slobbery kisses are so worth it.  He is awesome. 

Two more travel bits: transportation and sleeping arrangements

Because we took the car seat, we were able to take a cab to and from the airport, which was much easier than public transportation when we were running on fumes after our overnight flight.  While in Paris, we took the Batobus (touristy and slow, but beautiful views of the city!).  It was relatively easy with the stroller.  We had to go up/down one flight of stairs at each stop, but that was certainly easier than changing trains on the Metro.  We took the bus two days, which was hot but otherwise the best way to travel.  There's a designated stroller area in each bus - what an invention!

The apartment provided a pack-n-play but we ended up not using it.  They didn't provide linens for it, but we could have made do.  Zack just didn't seem interested - maybe because it's so low to the ground and the sides are so high?  So we ended up co-sleeping with him.  He sleeps better that way anyway, and we took turns, so everyone got some nights of uninterrupted sleep.  So we're going with a mini-crib with a proper mattress for future grandparent visits.  I'm hopeful it'll be big enough to get Zack to the point that he can sleep in a real bed (at least one with bumpers attached).  And it's small enough that my parents will be able to take it on road trips with them.

Travel avec bebe

We have just returned from an amazing week in Paris.  Zacky was a terrific traveler.  He even enjoyed some sightseeing - that's a photo of him and Daddy admiring the stained glass windows at Notre Dame.  We learned a lot about traveling with him, and I'm looking forward to our upcoming travel adventures.

Z's newfound nursing ability certainly made the airplane travel easier, since we didn't have to worry about keeping milk cold, warming it up, or cleaning pump parts.  Nursing in Paris was a little more of a challenge when he was hot and distracted.  In some ways, pumping might have been easier and saved some time. But we didn't encounter any discrimination or disapproval (maybe because we were doing touristy things and were obviously American?).  And we even got some help - a lovely cleaning lady at the Orsay found us a cool, quiet spot. In general, tourists and locals alike were charmed by Zack.

We got lucky in several instances: a flight attendant who moved us to a row with an empty seat on our outbound flight, a ticket agent who put Zack and me in a row by ourselves from DFW to OKC. 

We found some gear and arrangements extraordinarily useful:

• Our Graco Snugride carseat and Snugrider stroller frame: Z loves his car seat anyway, so he was always comfortable.  And we were able to easily take it apart to lug him up and down stairs.  The frame is light enough that Mom and I had no trouble with it while one of the guys had the baby and carseat.  We had thought about babywearing him exclusively, but I'm glad we didn't try.  He's ridiculously heavy, and he found the mei tei much too hot.  We just about did the wheels in; but at that price, I have no problem replacing the frame if necessary.
• The Brest Friend travel pillow and Bebe au Lait nursing cover: For a nursing newbie like me, it made a world of difference not to have to hold Zack in the right position.  The pillow inflates and deflates easily.   And I had no problem with the slipcover, unlike some of the reviewers.  Here we are at the Louvre: 

• Renting an apartment: We went through Paris Perfect, which is owned by an American, so the apartment came with comfy beds and proper pillows and showers.  With three sleeping areas, we didn't feel on top of each other, and we were all able to get some stretches of baby-free sleep.  We were able to eat at home and do laundry. 
• A foam bath cushion like this one: We have the Munchkin brand one from Target.  I use it at home as an insert in his plastic tub.  But it worked great in the sink for travel, since it smooshes easily in to a suitcase and weighs nothing. 
• A Diaper Dude backpack
• The Very Hungry Caterpillar: Z is so little that we didn't take a ton of toys or activities, but this is one of his favorites (thanks, Grammy!).  We attached it to the stroller bar at just the right height for him to see and kick, and he had lots of fun.  
• Lightweight swaddle blanket: perfect for swaddling on hot summer nights and for using as a sunscreen over the stroller
• The grandparents: delightful travel companions and invaluable baby helpers

Not so worth it: the best-laid plans

• Our itinerary: We tossed most of our plans our first day, when we decided that one activity a day was sufficient with the baby.  We could have done more touristing, but it would not have been worth it.  We were able to have leisurely mornings with croissants, do a little sightseeing, and have some rest time before dinner.  It was just a taste of Paris, rather than a complete tour, but it made for a relaxing vacation.
• Dinner reservations: I paid a concierge recommended by the apartment agency to make our dinner arrangements.  We only ended up using one reservation (it was the first night, and we were tired, so it still might have been worth it, but...).  We canceled several because our plans changed.  With a less-ambitious touring schedule, we just weren't in the neighborhoods I had planned.  But we had to cancel one reservation because we didn't think the restaurant was appropriate for the baby; and we were turned away from another that refused to accommodate a baby. This was frustrating because I had specifically asked the concierge to make reservations at appropriate restaurants.  Fortunately we were familiar with the neighborhood and eating early enough that we had no trouble finding dinner.  

Despite that wrinkle, the food was amazing.  We had four delicious dinners out, all at restaurants that were more than happy to accommodate the baby and his stroller: Au Bon Acceuil, Cafe Constant, Cafe de l'Alma, and La Fontaine de Mars.  We recommend all of them!  The staff at Au Bon Acceuil and La Fontaine de Mars were particularly kind to Zacky.