Up!

I haven't seen Pixar's "Up," but came across this wonderful scene, a montage of a marriage including a miscarriage and infertility and a full, long, loving life without children. It also includes the death of the beloved wife. So it's happy-sad. But that's life, isn't it? Enjoy, but have those tissues handy.

Off to the races!

My blood test this morning was excellent, and I'm going to start stims tomorrow morning. I start the loopyron shots tonight, and then tomorrow I go to three shots a day. My next check is Tuesday morning.

Isn't it ironic?

After two years of infertility, now I'm too fertile to proceed with IVF this week. (Of course, it's probably a cyst not impending ovulation that's causing the estrogen rise, but still, it looks like fertility.)

Don't tell our doctor: we screwed up last night and didn't pick up the new meds before the local CVS closed. So I'm doubling up today, 12 hours apart, and hoping for the best when I go back in on Friday. At some point, will this go smoothly?

Moving in the wrong direction

At my blood test this morning, my estrogen level had gone up, instead of down. I was not surprised, given some symptoms I'd been having. And I am trying hard not to develop a defeatist attitude about this cycle. I will stop the Lupr0n shots and switch to some hormone pills for the week. This was unexpected, so I haven't done my usual level of research into the anticipated side effects. I guess it'll just be a surprise. I go back in Friday morning to see if they've done the trick.

Thanks for caring and keeping those fingers crossed.

Suppression #FAIL

At my check today, I had cysts producing estrogen. My level was 135, and it needs to be below 50 to proceed with the cycle. They want me to continue the Lupr0n for three more days and go back in Saturday morning to try again. I'm frustrated because this happens only in 10-20 percent of cycles and may mean more suppression check appointments on Wednesday afternoons, which in turn means canceling class. The doctor assured me that it won't affect our chances of success. But it does wreak havoc with our schedule.

Love

I remember hating Valentine's Day for years and years and years. The last good one was probably 1997, the day I got in to Harvard Law School. Of course, my boyfriend at the time was sitting shiva for his grandmother, so there was no celebration. But it was still a happy day. As my 20s ticked by, though, Valentine's Day was often spent alone. And of course, there were some not-so-good V-Days even before 1997. Don't even get me started on 1992.

But this year, I am positively giddy. What a contrast to my blue Christmas. Last Chance really hit the nail on the head:

There will be no adorable kids in costumes at my door begging for candy, there will be no cuties on Santa's knee, or folks with hands joined around the table counting family blessings, there will be no toddler's toddling through fields of spring flowers looking for Easter Eggs, there will be no days devoted entirely to Mothers and Fathers....today there will be me and DH and our love.

I am trying to remember that today is not full of roses for everyone. B and I did the facebook meme where we posted pics of us together and recounted how long we'd been together (married two years, eight months, four wonderful days today). I am filled with love and joy today. But there are still single friends out there lonely today, and I read some wonderful widowed bloggers for whom V-Day and the FB meme is like a shot through the heart.

I am so thankful today. B and I have been through some rough spots the last two years -- the job market, the move, the miscarriage, the seemingly never-ending treatments. And yet we're happier today than we were two years, eight months, four days ago. In fact, we are happier each day than we were the last. We are coming through this stronger. I am a lucky girl.

We loved this week's V-Day episode of "Grey's Anatomy." One of the patients -- always so full of life wisdom -- revealed to Meredith our own philosophy: ''Fifteen years ago, I made a choice, and I keep making it every day. That's what marriage is.''

And today I choose to be happy. I hope you do too. Thanks for reading. I love you.

Quick IVF update: I've been through 10 days of Loopyron. My mood is fantastic; I have not threatened to kill the husband, the dog, the students, or anyone else. The headache has been with me since Wednesday. It's somewhat reassuring: hopefully it means the drug is working. Doctor's appointment this coming Wednesday to make sure all is quiet on the reproductive front.

Naive

In less than a month our first IVF cycle will be over. More than once recently, I have caught myself harboring unrealistic expectations. I know that IVF doesn't always work the first, or second, or third time. And yet, I still believe that it will work for us this time: I'll be pregnant -- with twins! -- a month from now! Last Chance IVF's description of her first cycle sounded so familiar:

IVF #1: Oh how naive and stupid I was! I really thought all you had to do was IVF and you'd be pregnant. I resented doing IVF but I still embraced it. At ER we had 11 eggs. When my RE called to tell me that only 6 were mature I was disappointed; but 5 fertilized. When we went to transfer and we only had two that were even on-target we figured: oh well, none to freeze but what can you do? We've got two! We'll probably get twins.

But it didn't work for LC or for so many others in bloggyland and IRL. So I have to figure out how to stay calm and positive while not setting myself up for devastating disappointment.

If you're keeping track: last night was my last birth control pill. Hopefully my skin will clear up now! And it was my third night of Loopyron shots. No irrational rages yet, but I'm on pins and needles waiting for the next headache (even more than bcps, Lupr0n is associated with migraines). I've got an appointment with the GP on Friday to get an Rx for migraine meds. I haven't refilled in a very long time, because each month, I've been just about to get pregnant (see above re: naivete) and I can't take the meds while preggo. But I've got several weeks of the Loop to go before I'm housing any embryos. I'll take the meds; I'm keeping my fingers crossed I can make it until Friday.