Updates

Thank you to all who posted replies or sent emails.  The encouragement and sympathy were just what I needed!  I am still pumping 3-5 times a day and feeling mostly better about it.  Z continues to nurse occasionally.  When he does, he's doing a great job getting milk.  But he's still very inconsistent.  We'll have one or two good sessions, then he'll scream bloody murder the next time I try. 

I talked to a lactation specialist a couple of days ago.  This was our fifth consult (after three in the hospital and one after we came home).  She basically said that since his problem isn't really technical (he latches just fine when he wants to) but simply being breast-averse, there's not much she can do.  Her advice was just to keep trying without pressure.  If he fights, stop and give a bottle and try again later. 

So that's where we are ... no magic answer for us.  It's possible if I had spent a week earlier one just lying around doing kangaroo care, he would have figured it out.  But I'm not that patient!  So we'll keep doing what we're doing.  I'm definitely not ready to stop pumping.  My next re-evaluation point is at 12 weeks; though my pattern seems to be that I'm totally ready to give up, but commit to give it a couple of weeks and when the re-evaluation point arrives, I'm fine to keep going. 

He is just a joy ... smiling and playing like crazy, turning in to a real little person right in front of us!

Tough choices

The boy is fat and gorgeous!  He's started to smile this week.  They're hard to come by, fleeting, and few and far between.  But they're full of joy.  He squints his eyes and grins from ear to ear.  Hopefully soon they'll be consistent enough that we can capture one on camera.

But, like the rest of this journey to parenthood, things have been harder than I expected.  After the intervention it took to get pregnant, I so much wanted a natural childbirth and delivery.  Drug-free was out the window by the time we got to triage on April 12.  And then the c-section (for which we are thankful) meant the rest of the "birth plan" was tossed.  Happily, I have been able to make a ton of milk (and the rolls of fat on the boy indicate it's good stuff).  But he's never latched.  Finally in the last week, he's latched and sucked a bit with the help of a nipple shield.  But it's not consistent, regular, or long enough for me to think that he'll ever be able to get enough nutrition that way.  He seems to use it more as a paci than anything else.  And so I keep pumping.  After a bout with plugged ducts and a mild infection, I'm pumping about six times a day, virtually every time he eats.  When I'm on my own with him, it means that each feed takes hours between feeding him, pumping, and washing the parts.  And it seems that each time I get a plugged duct clear, another crops up.

So I've been thinking about giving it up and switching to formula.  But those thoughts leave me on the verge of tears.  I'm not ready to give up the one thing my body has done well (other than grow a gorgeous baby, of course!).  And I'm not ready to deprive him of all these good nutrients.  But I'm not sure I can keep this up.  So I'm wondering if there's a way to reduce my supply without shutting it down entirely.  If I could pump 2-3 times a day, getting just enough for half his feeds and supplementing with formula, this seems a lot more sustainable.  I imagine I could try with a decongestant/antihistamine and maybe ice.  But I'm afraid that the milk will dry up completely.  Any brilliant wisdom out there?

In the meantime, we're experimenting with baby-wearing.  After reading this article, I had decided not to buy a Bjorn.  I've carried enough babies in Bjorns to buy that dangling from the pelvis is problematic.  But we've got a giant newborn.  The Ergo itself is super-comfy, but he's just way too big for the infant insert.  I tried him without the insert yesterday, but he doesn't have enough head control yet.  And I felt like his legs were spread way too far apart.  Because of his size, the Moby just isn't great in the newborn position either.  I spent some time with him in it last night in the regular hug hold position.  It was super-comfy.  But his legs aren't naturally spread out yet, so he's technically not supposed to be in that position either.  (Plus, Brent finds the Moby to be really hot.)

So I broke down and bought a Bjorn.  It's definitely the right size, though the back support is not nearly as good as the Ergo.  And it's definitely not the natural position for his legs.  So what to do?  Stick with the Bjorn because it seems to be the best of not great options?  Buy a ring sling off of Etsy and try that?  He's so heavy, I'm afraid that would kill my back too.

I'll take brilliant advice and wisdom on either of these issues.  In the meantime, I'm going to go back to snuggling and kissing the little guy.  And as Sprogblogger said, "It'll All Work Out."

His name

Zachary: G-d Has Remembered.  And we believe that He has.  We picked the name in light of our infertility. (And because there was an adorable little boy named Zachary sitting behind us on an airplane at Thanksgiving, and we just really liked the name.) But after the harrowing events of Z's arrival, it means even more to us.  In addition, in the New Testament, Zechariah was the husband of Elizabeth and father of John the Baptist.  Elizabeth and John are both family names, and Elizabeth is one of my barren heroines.  So the name has layers of meaning and connection for us.

Houston: My paternal grandmother's middle name and her mother's maiden name.  Plus it's just cool.  If we didn't live within spitting distance of Texas, we might just have named him Houston.  But we decided that wasn't the best choice for our Sooner boy!

A much delayed announcement: he's here!

Zack joined us at 7:35 p.m. on Tuesday, April 12, weighing in at 8 pounds, 9 ounces.  He made sure his arrival was as dramatic as possible -- back labor (me), irregular heart rate (him), urgent c-section (me), broken arm (him), a trip back to urgent care a week later (me).  But after 36 hours in NICU, he is doing wonderfully.  And after a week of antibiotics, so am I.  He is practically perfect in every way -- especially sleep, thank goodness!  We all just love to stare at him while he smiles in his sleep.  We are hoping the splint comes off his arm Thursday, then our summer of fun can begin!

38 weeks, 2 days: Still hanging on

He's showing no signs of moving out.  I was thankful for the reprieve as I recovered from the stomach flu and got some work taken care of this week.  I have some meetings on Monday; but anytime after that would be great!  So I thought I'd invite you to join in a pool.  When do you think he's joining us?  (No picture - but rest assured, he hasn't dropped.)

37 weeks, 3 days: Late pregnancy funny

For most of the last 35 weeks or so, I've been primarily worried about whether my body could actually grow a healthy baby.  Brent has been worried about whether he'll be a good dad.  But now that Baby's arrival is right around the corner (knock on wood that he'll be healthy!), my anxiety suddenly shifted the other night.  I said to Brent, "What if I don't like him?  What if I don't recognize him?  What if I think we got the wrong baby?  What if this was all a bad idea?"

Brent's reply?

"I'm more worried that he'll get here, and you'll want six more."

37 weeks, 2 days: All Done!

As of two days ago, Baby is fully baked!  And as of last night, I'm done with moot court.  Now there's nothing to do but grade papers ... and wait.  I am definitely ready, but there are no signs that he's ready to make his appearance anytime soon.