Six months

And we're more in love than ever with this amazing little guy:

He is happy and cheerful, loves to laugh, desperately wants to crawl, holds his own bottle, and seems to think he did okay in the mama and daddy department.  He goes down for bed easily, sleeps 6-8 hours at a stretch more often than not, and hates to nap.  He adores the dog, who tolerates him.  He likes sweet potatoes, green beans, and peas.  He tips the scale at 20.5 pounds!

We are exhausted and on illness number 735, or so it seems.  (Love his day care, hate those germs!)  We're not sure how we're going to make it once Daddy starts teaching again in the spring (right now he's part-researcher, part-house husband, which is great!). 

There is much swirling about in my head, now that half a year is passed.  Trauma anniversaries tend to be PTSD triggers.  His delivery was certainly traumatic, and the six-month mark has triggered a lot of emotions.  As I lay awake the other night listening to Z cough, I kept flashing back to the operating room and frantically asking the anesthesiologist why he wasn't crying.  I finally had to wake B up to help talk me out of the panic attack.  I'm feeling better in the last few days.  But as we watched the wonderful "Parenthood" last night (if you're not watching it, why not?), and Adam and Kristina welcomed baby Nora, B said, "I want a birth like that."  Me too.

We go back to the wizard in about two weeks.  I am terrified.  I am terrified that we won't be able to get pregnant again (and we're in no position financially or emotionally to do IVF again).  I'm terrified that we will and that pregnancy will be awful.  I'm terrified that we'll have more miscarriages.  I'm terrified of another dreadful delivery.

Six months (Halloween) was my initial target date for breastfeeding.  In those long, painful first eight weeks, when Z refused to nurse, I never imagined we'd make it to this point.  But now he loves it. And nothing is as sweet as those bedtime nursing sessions.  And yet, it's time to start thinking about when to stop.  It seems I'll need to in order to pursue another pregnancy. And pumping at work takes so much time and energy.  Emotionally, though, I'm not sure either one of us is ready to give it up.  And I'm not ready to start buying formula!  I just don't know what the answer is.

Some days, it seems like we're all barely getting by until bedtime.  But those grins and slobbery kisses are so worth it.  He is awesome. 

Two more travel bits: transportation and sleeping arrangements

Because we took the car seat, we were able to take a cab to and from the airport, which was much easier than public transportation when we were running on fumes after our overnight flight.  While in Paris, we took the Batobus (touristy and slow, but beautiful views of the city!).  It was relatively easy with the stroller.  We had to go up/down one flight of stairs at each stop, but that was certainly easier than changing trains on the Metro.  We took the bus two days, which was hot but otherwise the best way to travel.  There's a designated stroller area in each bus - what an invention!

The apartment provided a pack-n-play but we ended up not using it.  They didn't provide linens for it, but we could have made do.  Zack just didn't seem interested - maybe because it's so low to the ground and the sides are so high?  So we ended up co-sleeping with him.  He sleeps better that way anyway, and we took turns, so everyone got some nights of uninterrupted sleep.  So we're going with a mini-crib with a proper mattress for future grandparent visits.  I'm hopeful it'll be big enough to get Zack to the point that he can sleep in a real bed (at least one with bumpers attached).  And it's small enough that my parents will be able to take it on road trips with them.

Travel avec bebe

We have just returned from an amazing week in Paris.  Zacky was a terrific traveler.  He even enjoyed some sightseeing - that's a photo of him and Daddy admiring the stained glass windows at Notre Dame.  We learned a lot about traveling with him, and I'm looking forward to our upcoming travel adventures.

Z's newfound nursing ability certainly made the airplane travel easier, since we didn't have to worry about keeping milk cold, warming it up, or cleaning pump parts.  Nursing in Paris was a little more of a challenge when he was hot and distracted.  In some ways, pumping might have been easier and saved some time. But we didn't encounter any discrimination or disapproval (maybe because we were doing touristy things and were obviously American?).  And we even got some help - a lovely cleaning lady at the Orsay found us a cool, quiet spot. In general, tourists and locals alike were charmed by Zack.

We got lucky in several instances: a flight attendant who moved us to a row with an empty seat on our outbound flight, a ticket agent who put Zack and me in a row by ourselves from DFW to OKC. 

We found some gear and arrangements extraordinarily useful:

• Our Graco Snugride carseat and Snugrider stroller frame: Z loves his car seat anyway, so he was always comfortable.  And we were able to easily take it apart to lug him up and down stairs.  The frame is light enough that Mom and I had no trouble with it while one of the guys had the baby and carseat.  We had thought about babywearing him exclusively, but I'm glad we didn't try.  He's ridiculously heavy, and he found the mei tei much too hot.  We just about did the wheels in; but at that price, I have no problem replacing the frame if necessary.
• The Brest Friend travel pillow and Bebe au Lait nursing cover: For a nursing newbie like me, it made a world of difference not to have to hold Zack in the right position.  The pillow inflates and deflates easily.   And I had no problem with the slipcover, unlike some of the reviewers.  Here we are at the Louvre: 

• Renting an apartment: We went through Paris Perfect, which is owned by an American, so the apartment came with comfy beds and proper pillows and showers.  With three sleeping areas, we didn't feel on top of each other, and we were all able to get some stretches of baby-free sleep.  We were able to eat at home and do laundry. 
• A foam bath cushion like this one: We have the Munchkin brand one from Target.  I use it at home as an insert in his plastic tub.  But it worked great in the sink for travel, since it smooshes easily in to a suitcase and weighs nothing. 
• A Diaper Dude backpack
• The Very Hungry Caterpillar: Z is so little that we didn't take a ton of toys or activities, but this is one of his favorites (thanks, Grammy!).  We attached it to the stroller bar at just the right height for him to see and kick, and he had lots of fun.  
• Lightweight swaddle blanket: perfect for swaddling on hot summer nights and for using as a sunscreen over the stroller
• The grandparents: delightful travel companions and invaluable baby helpers

Not so worth it: the best-laid plans

• Our itinerary: We tossed most of our plans our first day, when we decided that one activity a day was sufficient with the baby.  We could have done more touristing, but it would not have been worth it.  We were able to have leisurely mornings with croissants, do a little sightseeing, and have some rest time before dinner.  It was just a taste of Paris, rather than a complete tour, but it made for a relaxing vacation.
• Dinner reservations: I paid a concierge recommended by the apartment agency to make our dinner arrangements.  We only ended up using one reservation (it was the first night, and we were tired, so it still might have been worth it, but...).  We canceled several because our plans changed.  With a less-ambitious touring schedule, we just weren't in the neighborhoods I had planned.  But we had to cancel one reservation because we didn't think the restaurant was appropriate for the baby; and we were turned away from another that refused to accommodate a baby. This was frustrating because I had specifically asked the concierge to make reservations at appropriate restaurants.  Fortunately we were familiar with the neighborhood and eating early enough that we had no trouble finding dinner.  

Despite that wrinkle, the food was amazing.  We had four delicious dinners out, all at restaurants that were more than happy to accommodate the baby and his stroller: Au Bon Acceuil, Cafe Constant, Cafe de l'Alma, and La Fontaine de Mars.  We recommend all of them!  The staff at Au Bon Acceuil and La Fontaine de Mars were particularly kind to Zacky.

On the babywearing

We got a Bjorn and (thanks, Lee) a Mei Tai (on the cheap, from Etsy). So far, so good. B likes the Bjorn. I'm reconciled to it, as long as he's not in it for hours. I prefer the MT - better back support. We'll take both with us on our first trip. But I am hopeful we'll be able to use the Ergo by our late July-August trip.

My informal poll reveals that the infant inserts (Ergo, Beco, etc.) are useless regardless of the size of the baby.

If you're keeping track, we now own four carriers.

I wish I could explain it

Because if I could, I could make big money as a lactation consultant.  But I have no idea what happened.  I was supposed to spend last Friday and Saturday in all-day training sessions.  I was apprehensive about being gone that long, but I was determined to go.  Zack had other plans.  As I was getting ready to leave Friday morning, he was just inconsolable.  Nothing Brent was doing seemed to help.  With both boys at the end of their ropes (at 9 a.m.!), I decided to stay home.  And Z and I spent most of the next 48 hours cuddling.  He took the breast a couple of times, but mostly kept fighting it.  Then at some point on Monday, he just got it!  By Tuesday, he was nursing at every feed with me and even resisting the bottle (fortunately, he still takes a bottle from Daddy and day care). 

We still have a few kinks to work out.  His technique isn't great.  Toward the end, he tends to really chomp down.  Ouch!  And he's incredibly inefficient.  He snacks, then dozes, then snacks, then dozes....  It would be okay if I had nothing to do, but duty calls!  And if last night is any indication, he's not getting enough to sleep through the night.  So I am thinking we will continue to pump/bottle-feed at bedtime.  That means taking the pump with us on our summer vacations.  But I'll probably be happier that way anyway, since it will give me more freedom (Brent and I could go out to dinner, if Georgie and Papa Bill are willing to babysit!).  I just won't have to pump on the airplanes!

I've ordered new supplies -- a My Brest Friend travel pillow and a nursing cover (so the French aren't too horrified).  It's a whole new adventure here!

I've created a monster!

At some point in the last 48 hours, he figured out how to nurse. And now? He. Won't. Stop. More soon!

Updates

Thank you to all who posted replies or sent emails.  The encouragement and sympathy were just what I needed!  I am still pumping 3-5 times a day and feeling mostly better about it.  Z continues to nurse occasionally.  When he does, he's doing a great job getting milk.  But he's still very inconsistent.  We'll have one or two good sessions, then he'll scream bloody murder the next time I try. 

I talked to a lactation specialist a couple of days ago.  This was our fifth consult (after three in the hospital and one after we came home).  She basically said that since his problem isn't really technical (he latches just fine when he wants to) but simply being breast-averse, there's not much she can do.  Her advice was just to keep trying without pressure.  If he fights, stop and give a bottle and try again later. 

So that's where we are ... no magic answer for us.  It's possible if I had spent a week earlier one just lying around doing kangaroo care, he would have figured it out.  But I'm not that patient!  So we'll keep doing what we're doing.  I'm definitely not ready to stop pumping.  My next re-evaluation point is at 12 weeks; though my pattern seems to be that I'm totally ready to give up, but commit to give it a couple of weeks and when the re-evaluation point arrives, I'm fine to keep going. 

He is just a joy ... smiling and playing like crazy, turning in to a real little person right in front of us!

Tough choices

The boy is fat and gorgeous!  He's started to smile this week.  They're hard to come by, fleeting, and few and far between.  But they're full of joy.  He squints his eyes and grins from ear to ear.  Hopefully soon they'll be consistent enough that we can capture one on camera.

But, like the rest of this journey to parenthood, things have been harder than I expected.  After the intervention it took to get pregnant, I so much wanted a natural childbirth and delivery.  Drug-free was out the window by the time we got to triage on April 12.  And then the c-section (for which we are thankful) meant the rest of the "birth plan" was tossed.  Happily, I have been able to make a ton of milk (and the rolls of fat on the boy indicate it's good stuff).  But he's never latched.  Finally in the last week, he's latched and sucked a bit with the help of a nipple shield.  But it's not consistent, regular, or long enough for me to think that he'll ever be able to get enough nutrition that way.  He seems to use it more as a paci than anything else.  And so I keep pumping.  After a bout with plugged ducts and a mild infection, I'm pumping about six times a day, virtually every time he eats.  When I'm on my own with him, it means that each feed takes hours between feeding him, pumping, and washing the parts.  And it seems that each time I get a plugged duct clear, another crops up.

So I've been thinking about giving it up and switching to formula.  But those thoughts leave me on the verge of tears.  I'm not ready to give up the one thing my body has done well (other than grow a gorgeous baby, of course!).  And I'm not ready to deprive him of all these good nutrients.  But I'm not sure I can keep this up.  So I'm wondering if there's a way to reduce my supply without shutting it down entirely.  If I could pump 2-3 times a day, getting just enough for half his feeds and supplementing with formula, this seems a lot more sustainable.  I imagine I could try with a decongestant/antihistamine and maybe ice.  But I'm afraid that the milk will dry up completely.  Any brilliant wisdom out there?

In the meantime, we're experimenting with baby-wearing.  After reading this article, I had decided not to buy a Bjorn.  I've carried enough babies in Bjorns to buy that dangling from the pelvis is problematic.  But we've got a giant newborn.  The Ergo itself is super-comfy, but he's just way too big for the infant insert.  I tried him without the insert yesterday, but he doesn't have enough head control yet.  And I felt like his legs were spread way too far apart.  Because of his size, the Moby just isn't great in the newborn position either.  I spent some time with him in it last night in the regular hug hold position.  It was super-comfy.  But his legs aren't naturally spread out yet, so he's technically not supposed to be in that position either.  (Plus, Brent finds the Moby to be really hot.)

So I broke down and bought a Bjorn.  It's definitely the right size, though the back support is not nearly as good as the Ergo.  And it's definitely not the natural position for his legs.  So what to do?  Stick with the Bjorn because it seems to be the best of not great options?  Buy a ring sling off of Etsy and try that?  He's so heavy, I'm afraid that would kill my back too.

I'll take brilliant advice and wisdom on either of these issues.  In the meantime, I'm going to go back to snuggling and kissing the little guy.  And as Sprogblogger said, "It'll All Work Out."

His name

Zachary: G-d Has Remembered.  And we believe that He has.  We picked the name in light of our infertility. (And because there was an adorable little boy named Zachary sitting behind us on an airplane at Thanksgiving, and we just really liked the name.) But after the harrowing events of Z's arrival, it means even more to us.  In addition, in the New Testament, Zechariah was the husband of Elizabeth and father of John the Baptist.  Elizabeth and John are both family names, and Elizabeth is one of my barren heroines.  So the name has layers of meaning and connection for us.

Houston: My paternal grandmother's middle name and her mother's maiden name.  Plus it's just cool.  If we didn't live within spitting distance of Texas, we might just have named him Houston.  But we decided that wasn't the best choice for our Sooner boy!

A much delayed announcement: he's here!

Zack joined us at 7:35 p.m. on Tuesday, April 12, weighing in at 8 pounds, 9 ounces.  He made sure his arrival was as dramatic as possible -- back labor (me), irregular heart rate (him), urgent c-section (me), broken arm (him), a trip back to urgent care a week later (me).  But after 36 hours in NICU, he is doing wonderfully.  And after a week of antibiotics, so am I.  He is practically perfect in every way -- especially sleep, thank goodness!  We all just love to stare at him while he smiles in his sleep.  We are hoping the splint comes off his arm Thursday, then our summer of fun can begin!

38 weeks, 2 days: Still hanging on

He's showing no signs of moving out.  I was thankful for the reprieve as I recovered from the stomach flu and got some work taken care of this week.  I have some meetings on Monday; but anytime after that would be great!  So I thought I'd invite you to join in a pool.  When do you think he's joining us?  (No picture - but rest assured, he hasn't dropped.)

37 weeks, 3 days: Late pregnancy funny

For most of the last 35 weeks or so, I've been primarily worried about whether my body could actually grow a healthy baby.  Brent has been worried about whether he'll be a good dad.  But now that Baby's arrival is right around the corner (knock on wood that he'll be healthy!), my anxiety suddenly shifted the other night.  I said to Brent, "What if I don't like him?  What if I don't recognize him?  What if I think we got the wrong baby?  What if this was all a bad idea?"

Brent's reply?

"I'm more worried that he'll get here, and you'll want six more."

37 weeks, 2 days: All Done!

As of two days ago, Baby is fully baked!  And as of last night, I'm done with moot court.  Now there's nothing to do but grade papers ... and wait.  I am definitely ready, but there are no signs that he's ready to make his appearance anytime soon. 

36 weeks, 4 days: Happy Birthday Grammy Deb!

Lots of pictures today: two belly shots because I'm not sure the first one really did it justice and some sneak peaks of baby's spaces-in-progress.

35 weeks: Update

Today was a big day: we installed car seats and started packing a hospital bag!  The car seats were fine; the hospital bag freaked me out.  Although there are many things left on the to-do list, we would be ready if we have to be.  In addition to the car seats, we have a cradle and clean sheets and diapers and clean clothes and clean blankets.  He would not be neglected!

But I keep reminding him that he's not allowed to arrive yet.  Despite plenty of Braxton-Hicks contractions (pretty much every time I stand up), my midwife is letting me go two more weeks before my next appointment.  I'm trying to get my grading done, but pregnancy brain is making it challenging.  Everything I do right now, physical or mental, is very, very slooooowwwwww. 

34 weeks: Major milestone

According to babycenter.com, "babies born between 34 and 37 weeks who have no other health problems generally do fine."  This really is the home stretch.  We're not serving the eviction notice quite yet -- 3 1/2 more weeks -- but it's exciting and a huge relief that we've reached healthy baby territory.

33 weeks, 3 days: Boden Maternity!

31 weeks, 6 days: It's a real baby!

I had an ultrasound today to check growth. Baby looks great -- weighing about 4 pounds 3 ounces (57th percentile) and head down. And I got a special treat -- 3-D pictures! He's the spitting image of his daddy, Uncle Brian, and cousin Hayden. The first pic is a profile, with his left upper arm and right knee. The second is his face, partially obscured by his leg, and his left hand.

31 weeks, 3 days: Happy Valentine's Day!

We had a belated Valentine's date tonight and took the opportunity to snap another picture of me in the red dress I wore Christmas Eve, almost two months ago. I actually expected the difference to look even bigger than it does!

I have six more weeks of school, with lots of grading to do during that period.  But we continue to make good progress on the baby to-do list.  We have almost all the necessary supplies ... except a comfy place for him to sleep!  But I'll take care of that -- a cradle in our room -- this week.  My sweet students threw me a shower last weekend, where we got more wonderful books and other goodies.  Hopefully I'll get the pics soon!

We have an ultrasound scheduled this week to check his growth.  I am certain it will confirm that he is still breech.  If you're into such things, please visualize him flipping over and getting comfortable head down for the duration!

29 weeks, 3 days: Belly pic

29 weeks, 2 days: No news is good news

But I thought some of you might want an update anyway!  I had my regular midwife visit yesterday, and everything looks great: blood pressure is outstanding, baby is growing appropriately.  Otherwise, I am experiencing the normal aches and pains of pregnancy: back pain, reduced lung capacity, and Braxton-Hicks when I am dehydrated.  But Brent is staying on top of my water consumption, and I am exploring various sleeping positions to get me through the night.  I have now graduated to every-two-weeks midwife appointments, and we've started childbirth class.  I am done teaching eight weeks from today; knock on wood that we make it!

We're overdue for a belly pic.  We'll get one up soon.  Although the belly is impressive, I am still managing not to look like a Macy's parade balloon.  I'll take it!

26 weeks: Bonus pictures!

We had an ultrasound yesterday to check on baby's growth. Good news - he's still a boy! So we won't have to resell all of our post-Christmas finds on eBay. We got two pictures. The first is a good profile shot. The second is a little harder to make out; he's turned slightly toward us. But you can see his eyes, mouth, and fists.  And everything looks great -- he's measuring exactly the right size and is moving like crazy.